Author Archive

THE TRUTH IS OUT…UM…OVER THERE!

Well, if there’s one thing that the recent new X FILES MOVIE, ‘I WANT TO BELIEVE’ taught us, (aside from the fact that gay marriage turns queer men into psychotic vivisectionists, Gillian Anderson is more frightening when angry than a Polar Bear sow and that series creator Chris Carter must never be allowed near a word processor ever again), is that there’s still more government conspiracies and scientific anomalies flying around than there are alien anal probes going on over at Roswell, Nevada (but enough about the Republican headquarters, I’m sure it happens at the alien crash site too), and so Hollywood is continuing to crank out various paranormal bodies to deal with them. One such paranormal body I sure wouldn’t mind investigating belongs to Joshua Jackson, who has grown up, moved away from his pal Dawson and his creek, and now finds himself up a certain river without a paddle. So let’s grab the boogeyman out from under the bed and put him under the microscope instead, as we scientifically catalogue the supernatural shenanigans of FRINGE (Wednesdays, Nine- 8:30pm). (more…)

TASTY TATIES!

ICONOCLASTS: EDDIE VEDDER & LAIRD HAMILTON (Wed Oct 1, ABC2-9:20pm)
This new series examines unusual friendships between various celebrity folks, and tonight examines the ‘Bromance’ (i.e. an intense yet allegedly non-sexual friendship between two men - I stress allegedly because JC Chasez and Chace Crawford have a Bromance going, and they’re totally doing it!) between Pearl Jam lead singer/hottie/environmentalist/dictionary definition perfect guy Eddie Vedder and surfer Laird Hamilton, who like to go everywhere together and surf a lot. Why am I thinking this program will launch a thousand subsequent slash fics- most written by me?! (more…)

THE HOWLING (Sci-Fi Channel- Sun Oct 19 12:30pm & 10:50pm/Mon Oct 20- 9pm) is a 1981 offering from director Joe Dante, who also gave us PIRANHA, INNERSPACE and both GREMLINS movies. Dee Wallace (CUJO, CRITTERS, THE FRIGHTENERS, Rob Zombie’s HALLOWEEN and Elliot’s mom in ET) top lines THE HOWLING as Karen White, an award-winning TV news anchorwoman. As the film opens, she is helping the police apprehend psychopathic killer named Eddie Quist, who admires Karen and brags of his crimes to her. (more…)

Ahh, High School. Those were the halcyon days of youth, readers- I spent many a blissful school-day hiding in the library stacks to avoid homophobic bullies during lunch hour (the sci-fi/fantasy shelves were best, being darkest, and a hardcover Tolkien made a good defensive weapon if caught); trying desperately to think of the more hideous lunch-ladies in the showers after PE to deflate surrounded-by-hot-guys-in-the-locker-room erections, and wishing we’d have less still-lives of bowls of fruit and more hot male life models to paint in Art Class. Hey- wait a minute, school wasn’t that much fun at all! Ahem, well, whilst I’m reliving my childhood trauma with the school guidance counselor and trying not to Hulk out every time I smell chalk dust, let’s catch up with the new students at a school that must have been really, really good. A school that was so good, that none of the students seemed to ever leave – even when they were in their early thirties. Class, open your geography books to the page on Beverly Hills, as we try and make the grade with 90210 (Monday September 8, Ten-8:30pm). (more…)

TASTY TATIES!

The Biggest Squid on CATALYST (Thurs Sept 4, ABC- 8pm) - Geekily cute scientist Dr.Graham Phillips brings us the dissection of a Colossal Squid (Mesonchoteuthis hamiltoni) found dead by a trawler near the Antarctic in May of this year. Very little is known about Colossal Squid except that they’re bigger, faster and much more predatory than their Giant Squid rellies – they can grow from anywhere from 50 to 60 feet, and perhaps much bigger. Given the fact that squid, cuttlefish and octopi are also the smartest of the invertebrates, you just know one of these is waiting for you to take a dip at Swanbourne to get revenge for the Calamari you had for dinner last week… (more…)

Wanting to Believe that the return of the X-files was a glorious thing, die hard X-fileophile Gavin Pitts was a more than willing reviewer for the latest from the X-files. The plot was kept tightly under wraps… the excitement on the webosphere was mounting… and then…

A truly disappointing film that in no way makes up for the lacklustre final two seasons of a once great TV show. The whole thing seems to be mostly composed of people going through the motions for a quick buck- it didn’t ‘feel’ like an X FILES at all (no conspiracies or aliens is fine - but no monsters, no suspense or even definitively paranormal events? What’s the point?). (more…)

I have sympathy for the (Tasmanian) Devil! The Apple Isle’s most famous celebrity aside from Sir Edmund Hillary (who was less belligerently endearing and not as inclined to devour an entire rotting wallaby at one sitting) has been getting a hard time of it of late. A virulent strain of infectious facial cancers is decimating Tassie Devil numbers and threatening the species with extinction. Tourists keep expecting them to run around in a whirlwind and be outsmarted by a sarcastic bunny. And just when they were starting to get some good press and be seen as sweet in a stomach-churning, Antipodean way (much like Russell Crowe, they’re almost cute at a safe distance) the Tasmanian Devil comes home after a long day of avoiding extinction and devouring smart-alecky talking rabbits, switches on the Sci-Fi channel – and finds it has been cast as the mutated monster du jour in a gloriously campy American horror movie! The belligerent little beasts need to find a better publicist – I mean, Britney Spears is more popular than your average Tasmanian Devil, and she eats far more rotting carrion a week than they do and makes less appealing growling noises! So whilst we’re trying to stop Taz from eating Skippy long enough to take a cute glamour shot, let’s put on some splatter-proof clothing, pitch a tent and camp it up with the gloriously gory, camper-than-Baden-Powell’s-woggle and surprisingly Gay horror movie CEMETERY GATES (Sat Aug 30, Sci-Fi Channel - 1:30pm & 10:50pm). (more…)

DOCTOR WHO (Sun Aug 3, ABC- 7:30pm)

Send in the clones! Season 4’s first two-part episode, ‘The Sontaran Stratagem’ and ‘Poison Sky’ features a couple of notable returns for both long term WHO buffs (sad geeks like yours truly, who has a Doctor Who monster for an internet screen name) and Whoey-Come-Latelys- firstly, Freema Agyeman is back for three episodes as Companion Martha Jones, last seen at the end of Season 3. UNIT- the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce- makes its first appearance in the show since 1988, and the Sontarans- angry Mr. Potato-Heads literally born for war- make their own triumphant WHO encore for the first time since 1986. Those of you who don’t know your Daleks from a dustbuster can still revel in the heady delights of the seriously hot Christian Cooke as young UNIT grunt, Sergeant Ross…

LIPSTICK JUNGLE (Sun Aug 31, Seven- 9:30pm)

This is a new series from the creator of SEX & THE CITY and features…er…three single women who are best friends and trying to balance life and love in New York City an obvious S & TC knockoff done on the cheap with less name actors- but hey, FRIDAY THE 13TH’s Jason Voorhees kept on killing sexually-active teens with interchangeable sharp objects in every movie, and yet the teens still kept coming to Crystal Lake, right?! Brooke Shields, who shall forever be a heroine to me for daring to cuss out Tom Cruise, toplines as fashion magazine editor Wendy Healy. She’s joined by 24’s Kim Raver, BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL’s Lindsay Price. Testosterone gets a look in via the show’s breakout hunk Robert Buckley (think the love child of Julian McMahon and Scott Speedman, only without body hair), Eighties’ Romantic Comedy mainstay Andrew McCarthy, as well as cult actor Julian Sands (WARLOCK, NAKED LUNCH) who plays another of his trademarked sexually ambiguous sneering British guys (i.e. Alan Rickman asked for too much money). Shields is fun, Buckley is hot, Sands sneers every time the camera is on him and just because it’s a cheap knockoff of a superior product doesn’t mean you can’t wear it out on a few dates and then take it back to the shop! (more…)

THE BATMAN (Sat Aug 30, Nine, 8:05am, 8:40pm, 9:20pm (repeats Mondays)

You know a series is bad when it tries to come at you from three different timeslots and wear you down with sheer persistence. Trying very, very hard to be the C21st version of the Emmy –award winning Nineties’ BATMAN- THE ANIMATED SERIES, The Batman has poor animation, awful and unnecessary re-designs of classic characters (the Joker looks like a muppet, and the only question the Riddler should ask is ‘why hasn’t Marilyn Manson sued me for stealing his outfit yet?’. The scripts are weak and kid-friendly, the Batman *whines* about his lot in life, and it’s a general bat-stuffup on all levels- except the voice acting, which has attracted some serious talent (Ron Pearlman as Clayface, Robert Englund as Riddler, Gina Gershon as Catwoman). Chalk this one up as Die Failed-Ermouse…. (more…)