On The Couch

Dear OTC,

My girlfriend has dated men in the past and still prefers to label herself as bisexual. While I know she is attracted to me, I can’t help but feel insecure that at some point, she’ll switch back to ‘the other team.’ What can I do?

Sincerely,

Confused and Concerned

— (more…)

Want a little more jingle in your bells? Christmas is fast closing in upon us and it’s time to up the Christmas cheer and get festive… but how do you give sex toys and get it right?

If undertaking such an endeavour, you must first determine if the relationship between yourself and the intended recipient is one where such a gift would be well received (and I’m not just talking anatomically here). A close friend might laugh and heartily thank you (as they bolt for the nearest room with a lockable door), whereas others may not be so keen to keep the Yule fire burning. Once deciding to go ahead, many people would go the voucher option – a safer bet in many ways – however, if you wish to select the gift yourself, give due consideration: As with a gift of jewellery, with sex toys people have varying functional and aesthetic desires. (more…)

There was a time, I am sure, in many of our memories where the concept of using an online dating service was considered in the realm of the desperado…the perennial loser geek. Of course, I find geeks just a little bit hot, so let me highlight that I use the aforementioned term as a culturally recognised stereotype – think Napoleon Dynamite with ADSL 2+. With today’s availability of technological immediacy however, we are able to connect in readily available ways…ways tapped into by a general population where time and instant outcomes are prized commodities. The Facebook revolution has led to a socially sanctioned conduit through which social boundaries are blurred. Think about it - the person you know in passing, the person you’re not sure you’re entitled or comfortable enough to approach in the realm of the real-life interpersonal, becomes a friend on Facebook – and therefore there is the establishment of an opportunity for everyday contact without the limitations of social morays. (more…)

It’s always unfathomable to me that some people feel the need to establish a hierarchical system of categorising sexual orientation, relationships or gender. Why are some seen as more ‘valid’ in their identity and expression than others? For example, why is it that for some being a lesbian tends to come with some kind of Michelin rating? When I think Michelin I think tyres, and when I think tyres I think black rubber. I like black rubber, but that’s not the point. What I am getting at here is the concept of a ‘Gold Star’ lesbian – a same-sex attracted woman who has only ever slept with women – and the bitching and one-upmanship (or should that be one-upwomanship?) that goes along with some lesbians using this status to laud it over others who have sampled from both teams. Is there such a thing as being a more VALID lesbian…and more importantly, why on earth would it matter to establish such a distinction? I have spoken to many women who have been given a hard time, even by their own partners, about the fact that they are not a REAL lesbian because they have slept with men in the past. I have also heard women speak of what REAL lesbians would or wouldn’t do in bed. Here I was thinking we were trying to move away from patriarchal viewpoints about women where sexual expression is seen as something upon which to make judgement, yet we repeat the pattern with our own form of f*cked up sexual politics? My view: If you happen to be lucky enough to have a woman share her sexual and emotional self with you, celebrate it. Realise that this is as real as it gets, regardless of her past. Be self-expressed in what you like to do sexually and honour the same in your partner. Overall it’s simple. Be it in reference to sexual orientation, relationship type or gender identity, who is any one person to rate another as less signifi cant or valid in their expression or identity? It is both pointless and self defeating – imagine how much more powerful we could be as a community if we were cohesive rather than divisive. With Pride upon us, let’s ‘Imagine – One Better World’ and move forward, shall we?

Dear OTC,

I did something I really shouldn’t have. I had one too many drinks and wound up going home with the partner of a good friend. I feel horrible, but I don’t want to ruin their relationship by admitting to the bad deed. Is it better to keep it quiet or put it all out in the open?

Sincerely,

Depressed and Guilty (more…)

My boyfriend is really affectionate in private, but switches off when we leave the bedroom. If he refers to me as ‘his friend’ one more time, I’m going to scream. Should I just let it go? Will he come around eventually?

Out and Proud

—

Dear Out and Proud,

Does this man call you his boyfriend in private but not in public? Or is it that he sees you both as ‘friends with benefits’ whilst you want more? If your boyfriend is in the early stages of accepting his sexuality then he may only be beginning a process of self-acceptance and may need time to be ready for an official relationship. We all find our way as best we can. However, if you’ve agreed to being a friend with benefits but secretly want more, you need to tell him this explicitly. He can’t know otherwise. Also, sometimes people won’t commit to being boyfriends or girlfriend’ because, even if they love the other person, they try to protect them by not creating expectations they know they can’t meet. This can end up causing pain they do not intend. Alternatively, he may just want a f*ck buddy. Regardless, it sounds like you are hurting and feeling devalued. A big risk is that over time you will be so hurt by his actions that it will erode your relationship anyway, leading to the potential of both of you losing whatever good there is in what you have with one another. It sounds as though you already know what you want and what you are willing to put up with. It may come down to telling him that you need him to offer AND publicly acknowledge a relationship with you, or at least commit to taking steps towards working through this issue. If he is embarking on coming out, this may involve him doing this with ‘safe’ friends and family first, so that he has more confidence in taking the next steps. This may also involve personal and/or couple’s counselling – it is important to have good support systems when coming out, and it sounds as though you may both need support in dealing with some of the potential damage that may have already occurred in your relationship. Remember though, ultimately, you need to be honest with him and with yourself about what you need from a relationship and be true to that. (more…)

Dear OTC,

I am a gay man in love. My boyfriend is everything I ever wanted in a man. The only problem is that he simply does not do monogamy and was very open from the start about the fact that he only has open relationships. I thought I would be okay with it, but now that I have fallen for him I can’t stand the thought that he is having sex with other men. As far as I know he is honest and safe about his extracurriculars, but even that security isn’t enough for me. I find myself fantasizing that someday it’ll be just us. Am I wrong to hold out hope? (more…)

Dear OTC,

I have a problem that’s not uncommon unfortunately: The case of the angry ex. I cared about her immensely and never stepped outside our boundaries, but things ended because ultimately I realised I wasn’t in love with her. After our break up, her behaviour was so unrelenting and hostile that I felt threatened and had to consider taking out a restraining order. She seemed to be my sulking shadow, often turning up in places where she knew I would be and then sabotaging my personal relationships by spreading rumours to my acquaintances and friends. In addition, she often calls me simply to abuse me over the phone. It’s now two years after the end of our nine month relationship, but she is still on the warpath and runs me down to our mutual friends and anyone else who will listen. Many of the things she is saying could call my professional abilities into doubt. She operates with double standards, as she judges me over anything she knows about me (e.g. what I do and who I have relationships with), but does not look at her own actions at all. She is seeing someone else now, but this hasn’t stopped her. (more…)

Our letter this week comes from KP. GO KP!!! Well done for getting in there! She writes:

Dear On The Couch,

My girlfriend is a kind and gentle person generally but has been talking more and more about wanting to us to dress up in kinky costumes and play out different roles and so on in our love life. I’m worried she isn’t turned on by me without them. I am really hot for my girl and the idea of playing these games and experimenting with pain turns me on, but part of me is worried about how far we both will take it and whether it is safe. Help! - KP (more…)

Welcome to a new feature in OutinPerth! Relationships and sexuality are at the heart of our basic humanity. When things are going well in relationships, we can feel like life is the ultimate rush. When things are going badly however, thoughts of our troubles seem to plague us throughout the day – it can be all that we think about!

In the GLBTIQ community, we also face influences from without and within that further affect our personal lives. It seems politics, social expectations and our sense of identity all form part of the mix in our relationships and sexual expression. Depending on your point of view and experience, it can feel like a playground or a minefield out there! (more…)