Cone Of Silence? We Need A Cone Of Politeness!
‘Ello, Espionagers! You know, being a spy isn’t all fun stuff, like jumping out of planes whilst being chased by huge guys with metal teeth, getting shagadelic with a bevy of supermodels, emerging from the ocean in tiny swimsuits or sleeping with an amnesiac Matt Damon (unless you’re Ben Affleck, then it’s always fun). Sometimes you actually have to worry less about the hot Clive Owen look-alike in the seedy bar schtupping you with a radium-poisoned glow in the dark condom, and more about what to get your executive assistant for World Secretary’s Day. And who has time to photograph stolen nuclear warhead blueprints with a micro-camera hidden up your left nostril when you have to take a crash-course in PowerPoint presentations for your next board meeting presentation? And good luck wanting a martini, shaken-but-not-stirred. It’s 9:30am- here’s your latte, and no, it’s dairy milk, not soy- well you’ll just have to *be* lactose intolerant then, won’t you? So put on your largest ankle-length trench coat and dark glasses (whilst wearing them, keep away from porno theatres and playgrounds at all times), swap your handgun-concealed-as-a-stapler for an actual stapler (though it can come fitted with a hole punch as well, if you like) and keep away from the windows (not due to snipers, it’s just that there’s a colony of pigeons nesting above them and we’re all out of Windex) as we surreptitiously make a file on ARCHER (Foxtel FX on Thursdays at 10pm). (more…)
Couch Potato
HOT WEDGES!
SEX REVOLUTION: SAVE IT FOR MARRIAGE (Wed March 3, ABC2-9:30pm)
Neat little 4-part documentary examining changing attitudes towards the Beast With Two Backs throughout Human society- from the repressive attitude of Victorian Europe, to the (rather literal) Swinging Sixties and the concept of ‘Free Love’, to the fight for gay rights, to the oddly unhealthy and sexually-repressed current social climate in North America. Indeed, America’s bizarrely Neo-Victorian attitude to sex is a core part of this program- seems in Hollywood, you can blow a guy away; you just can’t blow a guy! (more…)
Seek This Sanctuary
Hello again, team! Well, good job catching more Abnormals for the centre this week- Will managed to nab a vampire; unfortunately its one of the TWILIGHT type, so we haven’t actually been able to get through the mob of screaming tweenage girls to do any research on him yet; Ashley claims to have caught an Invisible man, but I’m not so sure- the X-rays keep coming out blank and Henry brought us a lobster that was blue instead of red (someone needs to sit Henry down and explain the difference between ‘Abnormal’ and ‘kind of a bit odd’). It’s time to all get out our dissecting kits and have a look at the paranormal programming of our latest unnatural acquisition, SANCTUARY (Thursdays, Foxtel Sci-Fi Channel, 5:30pm). (more…)
Couch Potato February
HOT WEDGES!
AMERICAN IDOL (Wed Feb 3, Fox8- 4:30pm)
With venomous British judge Simon Cowell leaving the program (bitch spits so much acid he routinely has to battle a flamethrower-wielding Sigourney Weaver) this is probably going to be the final season of the American series, which will be bad news to tone-deaf exhibitionists but good news for everyone who actually likes music. Cowell’s posh brand of evil is negated quite effectively this year by the presence of supernaturally-nice new judge Ellen DeGeneres. (more…)
Couch Potato January
THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR A HUGE-ASS SPACE-ROBOT!
Those of you who were alive in the early Eighties and are familiar with Japanese anime a] deserve a pat on the back for having remaining a virgin for nearly thirty years and b] will remember the cartoon exploits of VOLTRON- a huge-ass flying robot that was formed from the combined rockets ships of five perky anime teens who looked suspiciously like the five perky teens in BATTLE OF THE PLANETS, only without the avian-derived costumes and who piloted Voltron into outer space, where he’d defeat the various supervillains/monsters of the week by blasting them into their component parts with a big-ass laser (not a literal ass-laser, that’s still trademarked to ASTROBOY). Well, if you were worried that the lack of spaceships that turn into giant, planet protecting robots at the drop of a hat (and the turn of a crank or two) has left Earth dangerously exposed to attacks from Planet Spektra for the past 20 years or so, fear no more, as TITAN MAXIMUM (Wednesdays, Foxtel’s Comedy Channel-9pm) is here, brought to us with a healthy serving of satire; it’s like an epic Manga cartoon, only with more one-liners and fewer demon tentacles flinging themselves in any orifice they come across. (more…)
Couch Potato December
HOT WEDGES!
OPPOSITE SEX- RENE’S STORY (Mon Dec 7, Fox Bio Channel- 5:30pm)
Interesting and for once non-exploitative in a “they’re not like us!” way documentary about Rene’s journey from female to trans-male, with the support of his wife and (eventual) understanding of his children.
LILIES: THE SEA (Mon Dec 14, ABC-8:30pm)
Fifth episode of this gritty (read “depressing”) British drama about a family of Liverpudlians struggling to survive the Great Depression. This episode introduces Billy (Daniel Rigby) a deeply closeted gay man who is tempted out by Nathan “Nazzer” (DOCTOR WHO’s William Ash) a former friend and now convalescing soldier. The two men get (very) close again and Nazzer helps Billy overcome his crippling fear of the ocean but Billy is nervous about his masculinity and as this is a BBC drama involving homosexuality things go tragically. You can always count on a British period drama to make your bad moods worse! (more…)
Put On A Happy Face!
Hi-dee-hi, Campers!
Well, the rehearsals were brutal (I’ve never seen a pantomime horse break all four legs and have to be put down by a makeup lady before), the stage smells like cat pee (honestly, you’d think someone of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s calibre would clean up after his productions) and the choirmaster still hasn’t gotten all the brush-tailed possums out of the pipe organ, but we’re putting on a show! Now I know that musical theatre is the traditional realm of the gay male, but we do want to attract at least some heterosexual viewers to opening night or else the producer’ll bung us on some Cable Network between a cooking show, all three of Toni Collette’s personalities and the latest forensic crime spinoff, CSI: MUPPET THEATRE (I reckon Fozzy Bear did it; or maybe that Swedish Chef Guy is an Al-Qaeda sleeper ) so I’ve taken the liberty of adding a few gorgeous women to the cast- but don’t worry, I’ve balanced it out with some completely gratuitous male beefcake. So shine up your tap-shoes, sew on some sequins and break out the jazz hands as we share the limelight with GLEE (Ten, Thursdays at 7pm). (more…)
Couch Potato - November
HOT WEDGES!
BETTER OF TED (Mon Nov 16, Foxtel Comedy Channel- 5:30pm)
-Listen up, drones! Clever, geeky comedy about a scientific conglomeration that doesn’t let a little thing like ethics get in the way of amazing products the world never knew it needed, like cowless meat (which may or may not be made from people) or cryogenic chambers to freeze your not-so-loved ones. Gay actors aplenty (Australia actress Portia DeRossi- Mrs. Ellen- as icy boss Veronica; American actor Jonathan Slavin (HARD PILL) as Phil, who is ‘unfortunately afflicted with conscience’) (more…)
Couch Potato- October #1
Chipper chips!
RIVERS AND LIFE: THE YANGTZE (Tues Oct 6, ABC- 6pm) -I find it particularly ironic, in an Alanis Morrisette fashion, that a series on the ecological importance of diversity in freshwater environments profiles China’s Yangtze River – indeed, this is worth a watch to see how *not* to keep a river alive. The Baiji (Chinese River Dolphin) was rendered extinct in 2007 by the construction of the ‘famed Three Rivers Dam’ trumpeted in this program, and the Yangtze Paddlefish – one of the largest freshwater fish on Earth – has just been declared extinct as of August thanks to overfishing. Not that we’re much better…cough, Barrow Island, cough. Great viewing if you’re in a misanthropic mood… (more…)
No Shutting This Gate!
Hello people, and welcome to the latest ultra-secret Military/Scientific base that everyone in the street seems to know about offhand (seriously, the Stargate foundation and Torchwood are both so useless at being covert they may as well advertise in the Yellow Pages) and that is investigating yet another ancient and mystical portal to another location far across the cosmos. Yes, I know that Stargates are popping up everywhere- it’s getting to the point where given the choice between hailing a cab and leaping into a Stargate, you have to stop and think about it. As I said, we’ve found another spin-off serie…er, Stargate portal, so everyone grab a spare pair of underwear (preferably your own), get really close and unnecessarily touchy with your best same sex friend and take a deep breath of oxygen and hold it…. hold it…. hold it… as we boldly go where a lot of other scientists and army types have gone before and explore the third spinoff program in the STARGATE saga, STARGATE UNIVERSE (Fri Oct 9, Sci-Fi Channel-8.30pm) (more…)
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