I recently did a movie review for Groove 101.7fm because our regular reviewers couldn’t do it.
The movie was Next – starring Nicholas Cage and Jessica Biel. I don’t like Nicholas Cage and have a low tolerance for poorly constructed action films. But since Jessica Biel is nice to look at and the picture of Julie-anne Moore as a hard ass FBI agent was enough to get me to say yes.
As it turned out Jessica Biel and the stunning scenery were the only things that made the movie worthwhile. Julie-anne Moore’s character just annoyed me – couldn’t she at least tie her hair back when she’s running around with a gun in her hand? And don’t get me started on Nicholas Cage or the complete inadequacy of the plot!
Professional movie reviewers (for example Margaret & David on the Movie Show) wouldn’t be thinking about the perve value of particular stars – but Groove is a youth radio station, and given that was the only value I could extract from the film, I thought it may be of interest to the audience. Then I got a bit conflicted.
If I said too much about Jessica Biel then the audience might think that I’m gay (derr). Though anyone who has heard me join in on banter about female tennis stars on Life’s a Pitch would already know that (yes, with my lefty-pinko-feminist background I should know better!). Plus, straight women are allowed to comment on the attractiveness of other women, though some of them feel like they have to make the qualification afterwards (but I’m not gay!).
I resolved it relatively quickly, by shaking my head a little bit and making a sound a little bit like a horse sighing – I had a spiel to write and work to do, so I settled on mentioning it towards the end of the review. A sentence dedicated to the film’s redeeming qualities. A nothing, throwaway comment about going to the film if watching her was all you wanted, mainly for the heterosexual male listeners and the few sistas who might have tuned in.
Usually I don’t care about this stuff. I just go on living my life, and I don’t censor myself when it comes to mentioning what pubs or clubs I go to, or who I spent my weekend with, or who my friends are (and these days they seem to come in twos).
I just expect that everyone will accept things for what they are. The only problem is that if people assume that I’m straight (which a lot do in this heteronormative world) they sometimes get a little shock. Or worse they start asking irritating questions. Or they don’t believe what they just heard and ask me to repeat myself.
Despite shocking people every now and then I can’t think of anything more tiring than not being ‘out’, particularly at work. The problem is that when a ‘new’ situation comes along, sometimes I do a bit of a double take, like I did with that movie review. It’s like suddenly I’m afraid of offending someone. Thankfully it passes, but if you hear me sighing like a horse, you probably know what I’m thinking about!
