Lezzon Five: Suns and Daughters
I’m in a bit of a pickle. You see I’ve found myself in some kind of regaytionship. Similarly to a pickle, the regaytionship is something I would like to preserve. This is proving problematic for several reasons, the first having much to do with the fact I spent the best part of 2010 slating my new GF to all and sundry. Friends, colleagues, strangers, inanimate objects – for your information, fire hydrants make excellent listeners.
I know what you’re thinking. Why all the bad chat? Well, we share some history, this girl and I. In fact, she’s claiming royalties on several Lezzons to date. I wonder how keen for recognition she’d be had I manufactured t-shirts with the slogan she inspired back in 2010 – “Wanna get dicked around? Try dating a dyke”. I could have made a killing at Mardi Gras with that bad boy. But the main reason I find myself angst-ridden, as we begin talking weekend’s away and family soirees, is that the lady in question has already met my father under somewhat awkward circumstances.
A couple of years back I lived away, popping home to Perth only for the festive period. One Christmas I arranged to catch-up with an old friend of mine at our favourite local. My friend was not aware of said history and as such invited my now GF to join us. When I get nervous I get drunk – Fact. Needless to say I am drunk a lot. I am drunk now. Anyway, four bottles of bubbles later and I was getting up close and personal with her on a patch of grass at this very straight pub. I then forced her to drive me to my parents’ house and pretty much held a gun to her head until she agreed come inside with me. My dad was sat on the sofa and as I sauntered in, hand-in-hand with my lady friend, I introduced them. I then marched her outside so she could meet my dogs.
She never got a formal introduction to the sun lounger but I think it’s pretty safe to say it’s burned into her memory given the acts that took place on it. What isn’t safe to say is whether or not those acts are burned into my father’s memory. Had he wandered into the kitchen to get a glass of milk, or popped his head outside to say goodnight to the pups, he would certainly have clocked his daughter engaging in homosexual heat. On his sun lounger.
Did he see? Your guess is as good as mine, so it’s understandable that I’m now nervous about them meeting again. I can just imagine Dad greeting my GF. ‘You look so familiar, have we met before? What’s different about you?’ Being the cheeky monkey that she is I really hope the response is not, ‘Yes, we have met but this time I’m standing in front of you, not down on my knees in front of your daughter’. Touché
Sadie Spade
