ARIES
This month you shall encounter a fabulous critical mass. At first they will look questioningly at your shoes, possibly tut audibly and shake their heads a little. But once you take those shoes off and start dancing, well… being fabulous, such critical mass can’t help it but start dancing too. After all, fabulous moves toward fabulousness, so if it all gets a little tricky, or a little overthought this month, kick off those heels and go dancing.

TAURUS
Spooky electric voices will call to you from wall sockets. Do not dig at them with paperclips unfolded, nor forks, or any such metal made home utensil. Please, for the ease of communication, use your tongue instead.

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GEMINI
You will encounter your fabulous friends this month and be reminded of what it is you can achieve and aspire to simply by mimicking them. For real inspiration, look toward the Librans. Oh, and maybe get a haircut.

CANCER
You will encounter nothing this month. Yawn. Sorry. It’s all I’ve got. Wait… no. Sorry darling. Why don’t you go and have a nice lie down instead.

LEO
This month you encounter a counter. They will provide a barrier between you and the service you want. Do not leap over this counter. Particularly when wielding a gun. Unless, of course, you have someone driving the getaway car, and they can drive responsibly. Otherwise, suck it up and stay where you are and wait in line like everyone else. Only the ridiculous, stupid or brave – or that special breed of all three – are willing to make that leap across the counter. Trust me, you don’t need the drama. Or the getaway car.

VIRGO
You will encounter a difficult horror-scope that will do your head in simply be not telling you what you want to hear. In fact, it will relinquish nothing. Blocked!

LIBRA
This month you will encounter the paparazzi. They will photo flash you until your eyes bleed and smile weeps. Then you’ll realise the only reason they are there is because you are standing next to a celebrity. Do not fret – this means you are getting closer to that endgame.

SCORPIO
This month you will fall in love. They catch your eye and smitten kittens will be thrown at you by passersby. Cat throwing is perfectly legal this month. With claw marks on your cheeks, you will proceed to move closer toward your object d’fantasy. The smooth caress of their skin will see you lean in to caress them. Cold sparks will ripple your lips. To everyone else, you’ll look like James Franco in that short film, the one where he makes out with his own reflection. To you, it’ll just be another case of narcissism.

SAGITTARIUS
Stop looking for rough trade down dark alleyways or behind seedy late-night butchers. If you get stuck, here’s my number. I always carry a baseball bat and promise to be gentle.

CAPRICORN
Party in a truck! Be an angel and close the door from the outside.

AQUARIUS
This month you will find Xanadu. Yes, Xanadu. Now that you’re here – in Xanadu – it’s neon lights will, ummm… la la la la… in Xanadu. Get your skates on and perhaps a little added extra elbow protection, Xanadu is going the way of bloodsports this month and getting its roller Derby on. Kick, gouge and groin all those who get in your way as disco anthems herald you from on high. For nostalgia sake, may I recommend hiring out a copy of Xanadu so you practice your moves and get those hair flicks down pat. If you already own a copy of this movie, shame on you… and could I please borrow it.

PISCES
You will encounter a fish market this month. You will be trawled. Like a Japanese whaling ship, your stalkers will promise to back off… but you know they’ll be back next season. Watch out for waterfalls, swimming up stream and fish monger wives. Do not batter yourself up and avoid squeezing fresh lemon over yourself.