ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)
You’re flat lemonade this month, Aries. Flat diet coke if you’re lucky. Whatever your flavour – and kilojoule intake – one thing is certain: you’ve lost your fizz this July. How to get the bubbles back so that you’re more effervescent? Hmmmm… short of sucking on a carbonating canister? Stick it out. Yes, it’s that simple. Everything about you this month says ‘slow down, little Ram, slow down’. And you should! Because if you don’t reality will slow you down instead, and the last thing any of us want is reality messing with us. Damn reality. Why live in the real world when you can be a flat can of lemonade, hey Aries?
TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)
Simply irresistible… that star sign, they’re so swell and heaven sent! Yes, turn on the charm around the 8th and that irresistible allure kicks in to overdrive, making you able to win over even the most Bull hating among us. That penetrating gaze will make you as sultry as any super waif in a Robert Palmer video clip, just be sure to use it up because it won’t last. Yes, just like Robert Palmer’s career, your magnetism well and truly fades into non-existence come month end. Cue sword clashing sound effects… just for dramatic effect.
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 20)
Exhilaration abounds as Mars and Uranus go sextile toward the end of the month. Not sure what that means? Don’t worry… nor do I! Just joking… of course I know what it means. It means…ummm…that…errrr…things go…sextile! That doesn’t mean you get any action though. Oh, no, you’re all shagged from the emotional full moon of last month. Recoup and strengthen some of that creative imagination by thinking of all the positions getting sextile could put you in.
CANCER (JUNE 21 – JULY 22)
Let’s see… one and half cups of fresh white breadcrumbs, three finely chopped shallots, two small red chillies, half a Spanish onion, two tablespoons of coriander. Oh, hi again Cancer. Sorry, was just preparing some crab cakes for your birthday! Yes, it’s time to celebrate, but please, don’t strain yourself in the attempt – although you should strain all the excess fluid out of crab meat when making crab cakes, unless you like ’em soggy. This month is all about relaxation, so don’t judge yourself by what you achieve. Instead do the slow sizzle like a crab cake in a frying pan. Mmm… lightly golden.
LEO (JULY 23 – AUG 22)
Two pla-nets, changing direction… this month – whooo – this month – whooo. Excuse me while I butcher a little Kylie Minogue (just like her plastic surgeon has – ha!) but I thought what better way to highlight your star sign this July than with a little song and dance. After all, pop music can convey so much, just like the topsy turvy tail chasers that are Mercury and Venus. Yes, the planets of communication and love are all over your shop so the best way to cope is to have an open honest conversation with someone you trust and love. Vulnerability will see you top the charts – whooo – the charts – whooo!
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEPT 22)
Ugh, I can’t stand Virgo… pious, righteous little… oh, hi Virgo, how are you? New haircut? Wow, it’s so… slimming. Not that you’re fat… well, at least not with a ‘p-h’, but hey, we all can’t be cool, can we? Although you aren’t really ‘cool’ this month – you’re more sort of ‘slightly artic’ as a mental fog descends on you like a plot from a bad Stephen King novel. Drive with your high beams on, but don’t get out of the car – scary hooked ghosts live in that fog and they’ll get you if they can. Instead, rest and relax and maybe even read. Hmmm, perhaps you should get out of the car…?
LIBRA (SEPT 23 – OCT 22)
It’s good you’re so darn beautiful Libra because this month is all about reflections and what better way to reflect than to look at something beautiful… like yourself. Ah, vanity… thy name is Libra. This time of inner bliss is due to a retrograde Venus so what better way to get retro than to reconnect with some friends from your past – the good ones, not the ones you’ve ditched. Mercury delves deep into your career house from the 9th onward, so any work-related news should arrive there or soon after. And just like you it’s sure to be beautiful.
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
From beauty to the beast. Hi, Scorpio, how are you? Yes, I don’t want to be here either so let’s get this over with as quickly – and painlessly – as possible. It seems transformation is in the stars as Saturn creates a harmonious trine with your ruling planet Pluto. Could you possibly be changing into a real human? Ha, I said transformative, not miraculous! Seems the full transformation won’t occur until August, but in the meantime watch out for relationship issues which may open some old emotional wounds. Wait? You’re capable of relationships? Hang on – emotional wounds means you must be able to experience emotion. Huh, maybe it is a month of miracles…!
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 20)
If opinions are just ideas with attitude, then you’re one attitudinal idea slinging opinionated Archer this month. What better way to celebrate than with a holiday, especially a spur of the moment one. Yes, all hail spontaneity. After all, it saves the rest of us from having to hear your drivel. I hear Sudan is wonderful this time of year. Enough said.
CAPRICORN (DEC 21 – JAN 19)
Oh, sea-goat. Where exactly does a sea-goat fall in the evolutionary chain? I mean, half goat, half sea… thing. You’re a rather peculiar creature aren’t you? Some people say you should have been drowned at birth, but clearly that’s not possible, you being part sea… thing. That’s why I say you should chaperone Sagittarius on that forthcoming spontaneous holiday they’re taking, the one to Sudan? Yes, you really, really should. Human shield, Sagittarius?
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
If you really did have a social conscience and such you’d stop some of your fellow star signs from taking an ill-fated spontaneous holiday to Sudan. I mean, you know it’s just going to end dreadfully, and it’s not like I’m an Aquarius, so I don’t have any moral obligations here. And I mean, really, you being Aquarius and all, I really shouldn’t be telling you what to be doing. I mean, it’s not like I’m telling horoscopes or anything here. And even if I were I’d deny everything and say you were the one who said they should go to Sudan. Tut tut. And I liked you Aquarius, I liked you…!
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
So…how did it go? Your blind date with Heron, remember? The one I so painstakingly put together for you last month? What do you mean what do I mean?! Am I the only one paying attention here? Or do you have the memory of a goldfish? Oh yeah, I guess you kinda do. My bad. So, July… well, the Sun-Jupiter biquintile is followed by a Mars-Saturn-et alumni quincunx that sees you taking on more than you can handle. But hey, don’t blame me if it all goes awry… I’m not the quincunx here.
