ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)
June is not the month to idly get caught with your hand on your balls… unless you’re juggling them! Even then, you may have too many balls in motion, dear Ram. Yes, it seems there is such a thing as too many balls. The heat’s turned up this month so be aware of some hot fun, some hotter play and the hottest romance. But only if you’re willing to chase that bouncing ball… or balls, as the case may be.
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TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)
It’s all about the tackles this month, Bull-face. Yes, get out there and tackle the tackler, then tackle those finances – unless it applies to a significant purchase or investment, in which case, stay sitting like a Bull in the heather until the end of the month, when everything becomes a little more stable. Not that bulls belong in stables. No, they like rings, so expect to get in one later in the month as you face-off with a significant other. Hmmm, guess you’ll be getting in the wrong ring there! Bugger… or not.
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GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 20)
It’s all about how big you are this month, Twinnie. Yes, don the double D-cup attitude and pull out the 10-inch ego – it’s time to put the combined might of Ben Hur, Brangelina’s ‘family’ and Lindsay Lohan’s wrap sheet to shame with your own larger than life goals. But for all your power, please don’t forget your partner. They could use some big loving, particularly around the 18th. Yes, supersize your self…And if you feel a little faint? It’s what happens when the blood rushes from your head….
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CANCER (JUNE 21 – JULY 22)
Take a clove of garlic, some green onions, three small potatoes, a cup of dry white wine, three cups of milk, a packet of frozen crab meat… oh, Cancer… hi! Sorry, I didn’t see you there, I was so absorbed in the cooking process, just like you will be this month in taking control of your life. Yes, sauté your ambitions, simmer a little success and get ready to serve the whole thing garnished with a dollop of whipped frenzy as you take your life by the claws and ride it this June. Now excuse me… mmmmmm, crab chowder!
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LEO (JULY 23 – AUG 22)
You’re an unstoppable furball in the throat of the universe just hankering to be coughed up this month. But once out of the safety of that dark sticky esophagus, where then? Yes, June is all about directing the abundance of energy that you have towards group going ons and your own big dreams. What happens between the 18th and 20th with that special someone? Well, it has to be big because it’s smooth sailing after that. Say goodbye to Mars – it’s leaving your sign for a while like a celestial spit ball from the back of the class. Gee, Leo… can’t you swallow?
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VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEPT 22)
We meet again, Virgin. Ok, so let’s see what horrors and happiness June has in store for you. Hmmm… it’s the perfect period for making professional amends. Seems as though I’m not the only one who doesn’t get off on that perfectionist stance you have. Yes, make amends because your reputation is once again at the forefront. As is work, driving home the fact that you’re a workaholic perfectionist who can only find romance and a social life through work. Just be glad you aren’t as sad as a Scorpio. Close… but no cigar.
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LIBRA (SEPT 23 – OCT 22)
Oh Libra, you’re as divine as my new name change, which you should note, because it’s devine. Oh, deed poll – you make me feel like a new man. But anyway, back to the equally divine Libra. It seems that you’re still chanting where we last left off – yes, get your Buddha on and let your mantra unfold like a lotus blossom… or a new name. For those who are (unfortunately) single, a relationship swings by to say hi early in the month. After the 19th, your career takes on a life of its own.
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SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
I hear you’re leaving town. Awwwww! My loss at you leaving is… well… as real as a pair of breasts on a Z-grade celebrity starlet. Wait, I’ve got a better analogy – my loss is as real as your ability to be human. Gasp! If it’s not you leaving then it’s some of that excess baggage you’ll be tossing aside. But be sure to get your finances in order before you set sail – you don’t want to leave others in a muddle. Oh, and for those looking for a new job, one presents itself… hopefully in a far faraway country where they have substandard living conditions. Bye!
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SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 20)
Seems like a busy month for you Archer. That itch you need to scratch arises again, so get scratching. You also need to sort some finances out. But this month isn’t all about you – it’s also about the needs and wants of others, dear Centaur. However, it will be all about you when the full moon blooms in your sign on the 18th. It’s at that time that you let your emotions out, either making you a howling mess of a thing or a stubborn-hoofed Centaur who is ready to shoot for the stars. May the choice (insert heavy breathing) be with you.
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CAPRICORN (DEC 21 – JAN 19)
So one of my bestie’s, who just so happens to be a sea-goat, rang me up and goes, ‘Beau, darling, why oh why do you hate sea-goats?’ To which, I replied, ‘Oh babe, I don’t hate Capricorns… I LOATHE THEM!’. Just joking – you aren’t Scorpio now are you! So, June. Relationships and compromise… compromise and relationships. Geez, aren’t you just over that combo? Well, sorry, it’s back again after the 18th. Like I said to my bestie ‘just ditch the bitch!’ Particularly if said bitch won’t ditch theirs! Don’t count on travel either. Work, however, proves sanctuary again for your stormy little soul.
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AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
Surely you noticed my new name change Aquarius. I hope so, because I’d hate something petty, like your own insular little wants, to come between us. I mean, seriously, this seeing into the stars malarkey is hard work, and it can hurt sucking on the ethers of The Oracle, with my eyes all rolled back in my head like a zombie in a bad Vincent Price movie. Oh sorry, I forgot you were there I was so busy talking about my fabulous new name. Where was I? Oh yeah, June. Well, in store for you this June…
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PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
Who would’ve thought a fish could be attractive. Well, this topsy-turvy universe of ours just loves throwing curve balls, among them the increased likelihood of you being wanton, desirable and such. Funny ain’t it. It all fin flops into place after the 18th, the exact date career needs reach the ceiling, big fish in a little pond. You’re so attractive that I’m gonna introduce you to a friend of mine. Pisces, meet Heron. Heron, meet Pisces…
