Living with a virus like HIV does not quash the desire to love and be in a loving relationship. There are just over 1000 people living with HIV in Western Australia. The likelihood is that if you’re living with HIV and seeking a life partner, then restricting your options to same HIV status relationships is very limiting. The Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society reported in HIV Futures Five that around half of us living with HIV are in a relationship. Of those, 54.6% are in a mixed HIV status (one person with HIV and one not) relationship.
Getting to know a person and disclosing your HIV status to your love interest is only the beginning of a mixed HIV status relationship. Knowledge is spread unevenly in the community and some people are fearful of dating someone with a perceived death sentence – ‘I don’t want to date someone who is going to get sick and die on me’. Given the success of HIV drugs this perception is now incorrect. A recent Danish study predicted a life expectancy beyond 33 years for a 25 year old diagnosed with HIV today.
For the HIV negative partner another hurdle to overcome is the anxiety of potentially acquiring HIV – even when consistent protected sex occurs. I have observed that these worries diminish naturally over time and more and more people will experience sex with their loving partner and acknowledge they are not having a relationship or sex with a ‘virus’.
Sometimes sexual practices need to be adjusted in order to build confidence between partners. For example, the HIV active partner uses a condom and then withdraws before ejaculation.
However there are some people who can’t go beyond their fear of acquiring HIV and thus won’t contemplate having a relationship with somebody with HIV. Others only want to have unprotected sex in a monogamous relationship. In these circumstances the only sensible way forward is to respectfully decline to be involved in a mixed status relationship. Unfortunately this decision is often difficult, with many mixed emotions such as, ‘what if they are the big love of my life’.
Like any other relationships you have had in the past, there is no guarantee you will be happy for ever after. A relationship may be a 3 month wonder, with both of you acknowledging your long term incompatibility and moving on. Or it could the most loving, intimate and significant relationship of your lives. It is ok to risk loving and being loved. However it is not ok to risk acquiring HIV by holding onto the mistaken belief that you can only achieve ‘real’ intimacy by having unprotected sex.
Having lived through several long term mixed status relationships, expressing love and intimacy transcends the immediate physical proximity and exchange of bodily fluids. For me, the love expressed by both partners protecting and nurturing one another’s souls is far more emotionally freeing and valuable.
