Celebrity bikini waxer Rosa Waxoffski has got all these hottest gossip straight from the salons of Leningrad and across the globe. Graeme Watson caught up with the celebrity beautician ahead of her trip to Perth.
What’s new with Rosa Waxoffski?
Hunnies, a LOT. New clients, new costumes, new songs, and of course, the very latest in bikini waxing technologies… You’ll have to wait for the encore for that surprise! Put it this way, you may find a new use for the old Christmas lights after spending a night in my theatre.
I don’t like to blow my own balalaika, but I recently became completely hairless from the neck down. Yes hunnies, I’m barer than the Bombers’ locker room at the start of footy season.
As a celebrity waxer how do you put your clients at ease?
Hunnies, I simply say “lie back, take 6 neurofens, and relax”. That and a few vodka shots usually do the trick. It usually works on the audience too!
Can you tell us which celebrities you’ve been waxing? – Just drop us some hints, if you can’t name names.
The President of the United States of America has been to me for his Barack, Crack and Sack wax, her Majesty the queen is my client. She suffers from a very serious affliction. Annus hairibillius. I noticed this one day when we were skinny dipping over there in the Princess Diana’s memorial fountain. I looked over and exclaimed, “God, shave the Queen!”
And the Donald Trump – my goodness, did you know he also combs it over ‘down there’?
What advice would you give to young gay men with overly plucked eye brows?
Be very careful. Thy could grow back even thicker and more annoying than the John Farnham on another comeback tour.
I saw you’ve started being a marriage celebrant, have you done any queer nuptials yet?
Oh yes hunnies, I’ve married more gay men than Liza Minnelli. Gay weddings are fabulous except there’s never a wedding cake to enjoy – they’re all bloody carb-free. And I’m very popular with the lesbians of course, but their weddings are complete chaos. Two bridezillas can you imagine? Despite the fuss, they always stick firmly to tradition: “Something old, something new, something borrowed, comfortable shoes”.
Can you ever have too much Leopard skin?
Impossible hunny! I have all my animal skin made by a nice little safari-loving dentist from America. Ha! I’m kidding hunnies, it’s genuine imitation I swear.
Graeme Watson
Catch ‘Hair To The Throne’ at The West Australian Speigeltent from Feb 9 – 14. Tickets available at Fringeworld.com.au.
