If you’re single on St Valentine’s Day, it’s easy to get a tad gloomy around relationships. Society often places high expectations on individuals to be in a relationship. The question, ‘Why are you not in a relationship?’ can sometimes be awkward to answer. The implication being that, if you are not in a relationship, there’s something wrong with you. Our private thoughts may quickly go through a list of reasons why not: ‘I’m not good looking enough, I’m not wealthy enough, I’m too fussy, I haven’t met the right person, the right person is with someone else, I don’t have the time, it’s all too hard for me, with HIV as well.’
Exploring our beliefs on relationships can be a fruitful territory from which to draw insight about ourselves and our behaviour. What do you associate with relationships?
Perhaps relationships are painful – ‘they hurt too much… I couldn’t live through another break up’. Maybe relationships are associated with love – ‘If I don’t love me why should anyone else?’ Or maybe relationships are associated with happiness – ‘Do I deserve to be happy?’ Living with HIV can sometimes confuse matters further – ‘Relationships are meant to be long term, will I be around?’ Or perhaps, ‘Relationships are for healthy people. Who wants to be with someone who’s sick?’ Some of these beliefs are best explored with a professional, like a counsellor, who can assist in identifying new beliefs that are more accurate and serve people living with HIV better now.
Some of my favourite beliefs around relationships that serve me well include the following: ‘I am a whole person as I am; a relationship may complement my abundant life. A person falls in love with me not a virus. Relationships give freedom, love and support rather than hurt, limitations and containment. I love myself now and others do as well.’
You may find it is worthwhile acknowledging and celebrating where and how in your life you get your intimacy needs met, be it a family member, pet, a perfect stranger, online acquaintances, or people you meet in a café. For some, friendships surface quickly, for others less so. It is unrealistic to expect any one person or relationship to fulfil all of your intimacy needs. No one individual person is perfect and neither are our relationships. Having diverse ways in which your intimacy needs are met reaffirms your connection with humanity. So I invite you to expand the idea of St Valentine’s Day to include and acknowledge the many people with whom you share intimacy in your life.
