Desperate Joe Asks…
I want to save money so that we can have an investment portfolio for our later years. My partner wants to spend money and not ‘live for tomorrow’. He objects to having a size able savings plan. I think he is impractical and thoughtless.
I have referred previously that, at times, in order to resolve a nagging conflict, we need to delve below the surface and find the ‘dream’ within the gridlocked position, whether that be steeped in our own past or that of our partner’s. Before any resolution can be realized, that ‘dream’ needs to be verbalised, to be acknowledged, to be given the freedom to float to the surface. If that does not happen, the conflict becomes a dark cloud depressed over the real issue.
Let’s pretend: You grew up living with an older relation; let’s say a grandfather. He was a great person. However, he and your mother did not get along which meant that your grandfather had very little control of his life and had to endure a lot of indignities just so he could have a roof over his head. You think you are a lot like him. When you become older, you want to have the control over your life that he never had. You want to live as you want to live, not extravagantly, but with dignity and some measure of control. This entails putting into place a concrete savings plan.
In this scenario, would your partner know about this part of your childhood/adolescent experience? Would you feel safe enough to open up to him and share with him your fears, your concerns and possible anxiety about repetitive family patterns? Would you take the necessary steps to ‘name’ your experience, to validate your fears? Naming experiences, fears and all inner emotions enables us to rise above any feelings of powerlessness – enables us to formulate a fulfilling strategy.
What might be the hidden gridlock beneath your passion to put in place a sizeable savings plan? Is there a gridlock somewhere lurking below the surface? Might your partner have a gridlocked issue around money hidden in his psyche?
Rather than spending energy in wondering why your partner seems so selfish which only intensifies your own frustration and possible anger, share with each other. Ask the right questions.
‘Who controlled finances in your family?’ ‘Was it a shared responsibility?’ ‘What freedom did you experience around money?’ ‘What fears and anxieties were present?’ ‘What was it like to have not concerns about money?’
Explore the hidden gridlock – we all have them – we are all human. That is okay. What we need to do is un-lock them and we can only do that when we dare to name them. The right questions will give us the right answers – and we can move forward.
Please send questions on relationships to Elizabeth Brennan, Relationships
Australia, PO Box 1206, West Leederville, WA 6901, or email
elizabeth.brennan@wa.relationships.com.au Elizabeth is only able to answer your enquiries in print in OUTinPerth and cannot give personal replies.
