ARIES
You are a day at the fair. You will be late this month, period. It’s through no fault of your own. You can blame it on the festivals. Although for some reason when you do come it will be on the weekend of a festival. Which is a little ironic, don’t you think. To add to the irony it will probably rain, even though it’s been the fourth driest year on record here in Perth. But then that’s irony for you.

TAURUS
You have nothing to be proud of. Well, there was that time… no, actually, that ended awfully. Oh, and then there was… ah, yeah, that’s right – it ended with that massive cock up that the last guy tried to blame on the new guy but everyone could tell it was clearly the old guy because it just reeked of him, because he has that particular dodgy smell. So the cock-up unfortunately reflects on you, because no one held the old guy accountable. I’m sure something will come to me. Nope, nothing.

- Advertisement -

GEMINI
Aged care, what’s it all about? Well, it’s about caring for the aged, really. And we should all care about and for the aged because one day we’ll all be old too. It’s inevitable really. I mean, even the youngest kid becomes a crone. Old, hagged, bent over, gasping and rasping at those last clammy ragged breaths. Wheezing. Freezing. Old geezering. Gee. You have such a bright and promising future to look forward to.

CANCER
This month you go to a gay writers group. You will write about gay things. Possibly some lesbian stuff too. You’ll all set sail for great adventures on the high seas of your imaginations. Ahhhh, me hearties. Land ahoy. Someone grab me my Captain Bligh costume.

LEO
This month you are a scandalous drag show happening at some alternative venue. You will titillate. We like that word. Titillate. You can almost rub the areoles of that world and feel them harden and lactate with the milky excitement such a word contains. Titillate. Whoops… I’m leaking.

VIRGO
This month nobody likes you. Still.

LIBRA
This month you are amazing. I’m not just talking about average amazing. I mean off-the-scale amazing. If you were a Pride Festival you’d be like one of the ones back in the ’90s when everyone had their shit together and the world was a simpler place…like you. Ah, the old days.

SCORPIO
You are the Sound Of Music sing-a-long to end all Sound Of Music sing-a-longs. There will be flying nuns. There will be habit forming melodies. There will be burning questions like ‘What is it you can’t face, Maria?’ Yes, you will be a moment of outrageous fun.

SAGITTARIUS
Your reality sucks. It’s plain and simple. We deem you sufficiently miserable. Why not have a song and a dance about it. Go on, get up on stage and sing. That’s it, sing for mummy. Make her proud. That’s my boy.

CAPRICORN
Wow, I love what you’ve done to your face. Both of them. It’s amazing. New heights. New heights.

AQAURIUS
This month you are supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Yes, this month you are like a big word. You’re a bloated vocabulary. It’s all right, all the hot air will blend in the coming summer and the fact that our days are filled with more sunshine and brightness and lollipops. Wow, I love what heatstroke can do. Oh wait, the roof is on fire.

PISCES
Fishy fishy fishy fish. Enough said.