‘This is Big Brother; remember, report your housemates for thought crime and get double-plus good chocolate rations for…’ (…struggles with microphone) ‘…Give me that! Ahem… Sorry, housemates, some of the camera crew got their hands on Orwell’s book again. Oh, and if Big Brother orders any you to fight to the death in the hot-tub again, just ignore him, that’s our new intern, Barry… he forgot to take his medication the other night. Don’t worry, Aleisha and Andy, I’m sure the scars won’t show…much. Anyway, people, I want all of you in the diary room pronto – seems one of you has been confusing the White Room with the Bath-Room again and made it the Brown Room. So, bum dance your way over to the sofa as we look at this week’s task: reviewing BIG BROTHER ’07’ (Ten, Weekdays, 7pm).
Viewers, BIG BROTHER is back. The cream of Australian bogans, self-promoters, nympho/satyro maniacs, aspiring thespians and the personality-challenged have been locking themselves together into a confined space with cameras watching their every move, a disembodied voice telling them what to do and when to do it and only the bare minimum of bath salts, massage oils and blunt trauma melee weapons to use for seven years now.
The first series, despite the nudity, swearing and dodgy hairstyles, had a certain innocence to it that has been lacking in the show’s latter years. Host Gretel Killeen struggles more each year to find a way to smile knowingly at the camera and justify the housemate’s antics as ‘Fascinating, unpredictable sociological commentary’, when, in reality, they’re sculpting their faeces into lawn gnomes and having carnal knowledge of the house’s more upscale furnishings. The sleaze factor reached its nadir last season with the infamous ‘turkey slapping’ incident in which two male housemates (including the cute one I was ‘rooting’ for, dang nabbit) pretty much molested a female one, resulting in a parliamentary inquiry, a major tightening of the rules in the BB house and a sense of ‘enforced innocence’ in the house this year. There are no views of the housemates’ best features using the shower-cam; sex-talk and flirting is actively discouraged; and most annoying, for those of us who prefer to get the week’s happenings in an hour long compilation with added swearing and dangly boybits, no BIG BROTHER UNCUT. So, this year we can’t see whether any of the guys are truly uncut.
As usual, BB is attempting to woo viewers back and reach new heights of sadism with a couple of new twists: no prize money at the end, limited food deliveries (are they hoping for cannibalism to break out? Because that episode would rate its sock off) and a special ‘sensory deprivation room’ that is painted completely white and has only basic furnishings, all the better to tip the more ‘eccentric’ housemates (Zoron!) into full-blown psychosis by the end of the week, probably in a clever cross-marketing campaign. (‘Bodie’s homicidal rage brought to you by the homicidal rages in 28 WEEKS LATER-in cinemas now!!’).
Mutants under the microscope this year include:
ZORAN: He’s the ‘quirky’ housemate. We know this because he tells us on his bio page. He’d be the first one I’d eat if I was shipwrecked on a desert island with the cast.
BRODIE: Shaping up to be this year’s ‘breakout hunk’, which is odd, because despite a great body (he’s an underwear model) he has a face that calls to mind several critters in my ‘Rodents of the World’ biology textbook.
ALEISHA: I hate to re-inforce the stereotypical image of the vapid blonde, but she started it. Freely admits to having never read a book in her life, as though it’s something to be proud of, rather than a cry for help.
THOMAS: My favourite housemate so far, primarily because he’s a) gorgeous b) smart (Chemistry major) and c) 6 foot 5. Tall men make me a happy spud, oh yes…
KATE: Evil lawyer type who ‘loves arguing’- she loved it so much in fact that she was the first evictee. Can’t argue with that!
ANDREW: One of several Housemates this year (at least 7) who list their worst phobia as ‘spiders’. If this was George Orwell’s Big Brother, Room 101, methinks, would be full of our eight-legged friends.
NICK: This year’s token gay housemate and early evictee. His short time on Big Brother revealed a nice smile, though not much of a bum.
REBECCA: A Mormon who has never worn a bikini or drunk any alcohol. Big Brother is probably cackling with glee as he repacks her bags with nothing but string thongs and tequila.
Semi-nude, cute lab rats in a gilded cage… Gather your housemates round and watch it!
