The OUTinPerth peanut gallery’s highly (un)reliable report of this month’s sporting news.
Soccer: We defy anyone to be more bored in 90 minutes than we were watching Chelsea beat Manchester 1-0 in the FA cup. There is definitely a place for streakers in sport, and in this instance it would have been a community service worthy of Man of the Match.
Cricket: Thank god it’s finally over! Explain to us why you can have a soccer World Cup of 80 countries that lasts 4 weeks, and a cricket World Cup with 16 teams (15 and a half, if you count the Kiwis in the Aussie fashion) that takes, oh, 14 months. And to top it off, not one single memorable game! How is that? Oh, wait a minute, we did like that big beautiful Jamaican guy who got so excited when he took a wicket. He nearly flattened his teammates celebrating – that was a highlight.
Tennis: With rain stalling many of the games, the start of the French Open looked like a mud wrestling event (leaving some of us to flash back to our own sporting days as, er, ‘topless, full contact gymnasts’ at Connections). Unfortunately, her matches were not MCed by a cheeky drag queen. In women’s action, the lovely Sam Stoser showed a bit of form by knocking off Emily Mauresmo (mmmm… Emilyyy), only to go down (so to speak) to Patty Schneider.
On the men’s side, is this the year for Roger on the clay? He may need a hair cut and a personality – any personality – but he did beat Raphael recently. How exactly did Raphael go down 6-0 in the last set? Did he have a transient bout of narcolepsy? It may be worth looking into…
Football: Alright alright, don’t get too exited Docker’s fans. The rare win doesn’t justify a gloat fest! Our advice: cash in your season tix to avoid future disappointment. Alternatively, reduce, reuse and recycle and turn them into coffee coasters.
Speaking of West Coasters (which we weren’t, but like they’ll believe that), the million dollar Q is ‘do we need Ben back?’ We have decided that although we would enjoy the company of his new matching set of sniffer dogs, we really just want him back because he’s easy on the eyes.
Rugby: Rugby may be an east coasters’ sport, but even sandgropers could appreciate the State of Origin matches this year. Charged with such excitement and passion, we thought it was going to be a white wash at half time, but QLD clawed their way back into the match (with the desperation of a Tasmanian swimming for the Victorian shore) and made it an absolute cracker.
