My boyfriend keeps chatting to other guys on Grindr, he says it’s just fun chat, but I want him to delete the app. Am I being unreasonable?
How often I have wondered if life were not simpler in the ‘good old days’ – whatever that means. Maybe days without apps, and mobile phones and long list of emails to answer after work when all I want to do is enjoy a nice glass of red and chill out. … etc. etc. Were the old days more reasonable? Actually, I don’t think so. For the simple reason that despite all the mod cons we now have, really, human beings haven’t changed all that much.
In order to answer that, we possibly have to look at the question, ‘What is reasonable?’ What is reasonable between human beings who want to experience a close, intimate, loving relationship? Should I even ask the question? Should I expect things to be reasonable?
I suppose in order to answer that question, we need to come to some sort of agreement as to what is reasonable – what gives reason to our relationship, what we are prepared to put up with, what our boundaries are, to verbalise our expectations and not expect that our partners automatically know what they are.
Basically, I think, it gets back down to the basics of good communication. Human beings cannot function without good communication no matter what age we live in be it the ‘good old days’ or the days of modern awe and wonder.
So, we need to be honest with our partners. We need to be prepared to be vulnerable, speak for self, share our feelings, our want and needs. We need to be assertive. But in being assertive, we also need to allow our partners the same right. An assertive person is one who is prepared to say ‘This is what I want/do not want. What about you?’ As assertive person is one who respect his own needs and equally respects the needs of other. An assertive person is one who is prepared to listen as well.
When the speaking and the listening has been done in an assertive manner, only then are we able to attempt to reach some agreement.
Maybe it is just ‘fun chat’ for your partner. But you need to tell him what that ‘fun chat’ really means to you, how it affects you. Then you need to listen to him, be open to what ’fun chat’ means to him. This is what I believe is reasonable – giving an opportunity for each partner to share deeply with honesty and trust the ‘reason’ for their desire to share a life with each other.
Be reasonable … communicate with your partner. Listen to him and ask him to listen to you. Reasonable, Hey?
