ARIES (MAR 22 – APR 19)
Work is something people do… apparently. It can be very rewarding… apparently. For you, it most certainly is. That’s why you take time out to travel – either thru time, space, in actuality or from your armchair. You may find yourself in Ancient Rome on the 18th, or New Atlantis 3000 years in the future on the 21st. Either way, people will think you’re opinionated. Don’t try and brush it off as enthusiasm for getting your point across. It’s not. You’re opinionated. And that’s not a bad thing. Nor is time travel. Just try and convince people otherwise of the benefits of both and they’ll think you’re bonkers… apparently.
TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)
People will shower you with gifts this December. Especially around the 25th. But that’s all because of a fantastic strategy you put in place during the beginning of the month, one that sees you get in and out quickly. No, I’m not talking about another random one night stand, the kind where you have to get out before you sober up too much and wonder what you were thinking. I’m talking about Christmas shopping. Treat it with the same speed and objectiveness as a bad one night stand and you’ll be laughing. Particularly when you get all those pressies at the end of the month.
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 20)
It’s more than likely you’ll end up shit-faced at an office Christmas party. Don’t deny it Gemini, we know what you’re like… or rather, what both of you are like. Failing that, you may get shit-faced at Christmas dinner. But if you don’t, then you’re most likely to make a complete fool of yourself at New Years. Whatever and wherever it happens, one fact remains: you’ll be the absolute life of the party… just as you always are. After all, what would a party be like if Gemini decided to behave, be prim and just stand there, sucking on their low fat non-alcoholic juice. Boring, that’s what! Absolutely boring! Do not let us down, Gemini, do not let us down. We know where you live…!
CANCER (JUNE 21 – JULY 22)
What’s that Crabby?! You’ve got a list of resolutions? And it’s big? Really big? As in huge? And what’s that? You can’t wait until the New Year, so you can start instigating it all then? Well, why wait? Why not jump into that list and set an example and strive out sideways to show everyone that you don’t need to wait until the New Year to enact change in your life. Go on, get your leadership on and get ahead of the brat pack by doing what they hope to do then, now.
LEO (JULY 21 – AUG 22)
In the jungle – the mighty jungle – the lion sleeps tonight. But I’m sorry Kitty, that jungle ain’t sprouting up anytime soon until… ooooh, the New Year. Instead there’s a veritable buzz surging up around you. Jump on the conga line of enthusiasm that seems to be shuffling through your life, it’s sweet excitable toosh all the more appealing because it seems to be spewing forth so much creative juice that even my metaphors are verging on the questionable yet so thoroughly creative. See, like a tropical stomach bug your creative bug is catching. Ooooh, I’ve got jungle fever! You’ve got jungle fever! We’ve all got jungle fever! CONGA LINE!!!
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEPT 22)
Your life seems to have been getting a really bad wrap lately. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, people seem to be bringing you down. Well, there’s a solution. A really easy solution that will bring a sense of worth and need to your life. It will give you purpose. It will give you direction. It will bring like minded people toward you, unifying you all. What is this that needs to be done? Go to Facebook and start a group called ‘I hate the star-signs OUTinPerth’s Beau de Vine gives me!’. Put simply – tell someone who cares!
LIBRA (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
Hi Libra! You’re so amazing. Yes, I know. You are! Even with an onslaught of hectic running around to be done you still manage to stay composed and well-groomed – well, on the outside at least. Inside and you’re budgeting and double checking the gift list, rearranging presents, factoring in the clothes you just bought online and how to justify them as a gift (well, you do need something to wear to Christmas Dinner!). Network, spill some more charm but get ready for the end week – it’s a doozy, with family matters escalating in intensity. Expect secrets to be spilled. And people to confide in you. After all, no one can resist you can they Libra. Just don’t giveaway how much of a frenetic mess you are on the inside, ok?
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
Oh… hello. Well, I heard what you had to say about me Scorpio. The walls have ears. And mouths. So it should come as no surprise that your little diatribe – in which you pinned me as a cause of woe – came back to me, dear stab stabbing Scorpio. And here I thought you had tougher skin than that. Or at least an exoskeleton. But no! Sob… I’m sorry… I thought you could take it… out of all the star-signs I thought you – sob – were the strongest and could take a little – sniff – criticism… a little… ‘tough love’… sob. Apparently not. Well, toughen up princess! Gee, would the astrological clue that December is your cash cow bridge the gap between us? That you might expect a bonus, or raise? That you can expect someone to finally pay back that loan around the 12th? Happy? No? Well, maybe you started that Facebook group instead of Virgo.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 20)
Dear loveable little half-person, half-horsey, whole lotta… thing! You are beautiful, no matter what they say… and they say a lot. Still, shuck all that criticism because who cares, neigh, not you! It’s full steam ahead, clippity clop you don’t stop! Yes, a whirlwind of energy surrounds you this silly season. Even love seems to just fall off your saddle and send you anything but stable. Hmmm, maybe it’s all that birthday juice? Probably – growing old does do crazy things to people. But speaking of crazy, expect money your way in the last week and if you are a poet, writer or painter – well, inspiration will stampede itself across your work, it’s that kinda month. Hold on to your horsie!
CAPRICORN (DEC 21 – JAN 19)
Sigh. There’s never a horoscope that doesn’t include you, is there Capricorn. My dear little sea-goat, you’re always there, and I’m always here. It’s inevitable. But at least I know you didn’t create that Facebook group about me. No… you don’t have that kind of initiative. Always been a bit of a follower, haven’t you. No shame in that. Especially not this month. It’s moving mountain month for you. Yes, set out to accomplish the impossible. Just do it. And remember, I’ll still be here in the New Year… and so will you… so I propose we just both get used to it. Chuggers! See you soon. Kiss hug kiss hug… bluuuuuurgh!
AQUARIUS (JAN 2 – FEB 18)
Ah, don’t you love it when love just walks through the door? Well, you get to love that love yourself this December dear water bearing star-sign. Yes, Venus is all booked to make a guest appearance at your forthcoming Christmas party, which is hopefully after the 7th. But it ain’t just love – expect to attract what you want, how you want. Yes, you’re a veritable pulse ball of attraction and come hitherness. Everyone wants you!
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
Don’t let yourself get wet behind the ears. It’s time to stop going with the flow, step up on those dorsal fins and get ready for a high profile month. Expect secrets to be revealed. Expect friends to be right there, in your face, on the verge of uncontrollable. Then there’s your career which takes off and gets plenty of attention – although that might have something to do with a few drinks and your legs spread on the photocopier. Still, attention is attention and if anyone is going to go out of their way to get it, it’s you Pisces. Hmmmm, pick ‘Barracuda’ as your theme song for the month.
Beau de Vine
