Global Gathering (as well as the smaller, inaugural VROOM! Festival) happened on the weekend, and with the sluice of outstanding, block rocking tunes, came a plethora of the good, the bad and the downright ugly fashion wise. Which made me think – since when did festivals become such a haven for the badly attired? I mean, the setting itself is beautiful – nay, epic, particularly with the skyline so close it’s almost breathing down on you – so why can’t some of the people be beautiful? I mean, there are some beautiful people, but there are so many, many more ambassadors for trash.

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Hence this blog. A cruel sharp look at what to wear and what not to wear. Don’t worry – there aren’t any offensive photographs (yet). But there is plenty of advice on what makes you look good at a festival and what makes you look… well, either like a bogan or something far worse and far more common, something that shall remain unnamed, for to give it a name is to give it power, and the last thing any of us want is to give bad fashion more power than its already got.

WHAT TO WEAR:

• Chic sunglasses – Go the extra mile and splash out on a pair of chic sunglasses. Designer preferably. Karen Walker (Subway DC) or Linda Farrow (Dilettante) preferably. Yes, they might cost a little extra but they denote a person of style, sophistication and all around chic-ness. Please note, Shutter Shades are not, and never will be, sunglasses or chic. Ever.
• Wellington boots – Particularly with a little bit of wet still being around, Wellington boots are a sound fashion festival purchase. You never know when it’ll rain and when we might be getting a little Glastonbury on. However, once the prospect of rain seems as remote as Kevin Rudd turning up, why not invest in a hi-top or a sand shoe or even perchance a nice sandal.
• Sun block – Skin cancer ain’t cool. SPF is. Looking like a handbag ain’t cool. Slip, slop, slapping is. Hell, even in our climate, a little zinc on your nose doesn’t hurt… although this isn’t the beach.
• Hats – Caps, brims, visors… anything you can place on your head is better than nothing. Poker visors are especially fashionable this year.
• Water – While not something you wear, water is crucial for your festival style. Water is the essence of well-moisturized skin and smooth lips.
• Costumes – A costume always goes down a treat at a festival. It’s the perfect time to channel that inner child and dress up, dress out there and have some fun. Watch out for haters, the kind that’ll rain on your parade, but otherwise costumes will elevate you to the level of a notorious superstar… even if only for one day!
• Gladiator sandals – Girls, enough said.
• A smile – Nobody likes a hater. Bring a smile. Cheer up. Share the love. Make some new friends. Get happy. What economic downturn? What looming recession? What great fun I’m having!
• DIY fashion – Customise kids. Festivals are a haven for the individual and the original. Make your own band top. Make your own jewelry. Just take some time out to customize yourself, your sense of fashion and who you want to be.

WHAT NOT TO WEAR:

• Furry legwarmers – You know the kind. The sort those girls with muffin-tops wear up at those questionable ‘rave’ clubs. Wear these and you inflict unsurmountable pain on those have to lay eyes upon you. Darling, this is not a nightclub, you are not a podium dancer and I am not happy that now I must wash my eyes. Again.
• Topless overtans – So… thought you’d get into the moment and whip of your shirt to reveal that killer tan. So killer in fact you’re sprouting skin cancer and moles as though you were farming them. Boy, there’s an extent to which a tan looks cool. You’ve crossed that line. You look like a Gucci handbag, but just nowhere near as cool. Please, put your shirt back on. All those moles and freckles look like they’re weeping. I’m weeping too. Time to wash those eyes again.
• Fanny packs – Are never cool. They make you look like a drug dealer. If you feel the need to carry surplus material, get a pair of cargo shorts. Fanny packs make other people wonder how many grams you are carrying, and whether your scales will still work properly if you dance all afternoon. Desist.
• Fake tan – In a similar vein to the overtan, the fake tan is an aberration in the face of festivals. Ok, so the fake tan works for those special events such as a posh gala dinner, but fake tan and sweat do not mix! And if you’re going to a festival, you’re going to sweat, or at least get wet. And if you’re going to get wet your fake tan will streak. And if your fake tan streaks people will point and laugh. And if… sheesh, do I need to go on?
• Super short skirts – We do not need to see what you had for dinner or where your girlfriend/boyfriend has been. Even if you have had a Brazilian, we still don’t want to know. Modesty is the new black. Cheap and nasty is just that.
• Thongs – be they the kind you wear on your feet or have sidling up your ass-crack, please, do not wear them, we’re trying to have fun. Why no thongs on your feet? Because if you can’t afford shoes you probably can’t afford a pedicure. Please, only wear thongs if you are a European foot model or equally blessed.
• Fluro – It’s really hard for me to put this here. I love fluro. I love the assault on the senses it enforces. I love how loud and brash it is. I love fluro. I really do. With all my heart. But, unfortunately, it’s such a seasonal item once a decade and it’s been and gone… alas. I miss you fluro! I really miss you!!!
• Glow sticks – This isn’t a rave, it’s a festival. This isn’t the ’90s, it’s the new millennium. Jewellery made out of glow sticks is passé. You are passé. Desist immediately. In fact, I think there should be a ban on any one who sells these. Bad people. Bad, bad people.
• Anything with a heel – Hmmmmm… festival… uncomfortable shoe… festival… uncomfortable shoe…. You do the math.
• Offensive t-shirts – As my wonderful work colleague, the ever so dry, sardonic and sharp Ms Smith points out, why wear an offensive t-shirt to a festival. Do you want to advertise the fact that you’re an asshole? We can do up a sign for you here if you like. Might save some time….
• Munted expressions – Unless you’re Amy Winehouse, there’s really no excuse for looking munted in public. And if you’re going to take drugs in public you’re going to look like a complete loser regardless of how much fun you are having. Drugs aren’t cool. Taking drugs at a festival is not cool. They make you either look a) psychotic b) deranged c) washed out and washed up, particularly if you are over 30 and especially if you are over 40 and d) very unattractive. Gurning is horrific. Dilated pupils are only fashionable in a hospital or doctor’s surgery. Drugs are never cool. If you can afford the $50 to $150 plus it costs to score drugs, why not spend that money on a really cool pair of sunglasses or a fashionable set of threads. You don’t need to look spastic and out of control to have a goodtime. Well, unless you’re Amy Winehouse… but then she hasn’t been cool for ages. Well, not since she hung out with that crack pipe.

Right, rant done. In the meantime, I hope you have a fun, stylish festival season. It’s time to get the party started… and how!

Scott-Patrick Mitchell

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