ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)
Get ready to run. Chugger chugger chugger. Keep running up that hill. Strap a backpack on and grab your nearest and dearest and get ready to watch your relationship go into meltdown. Yes, it’s an amazing race to see who will spit the dummy first. And while travel may be on the cards, don’t think it’s going to be fun. Yup, this month is a hard slog. Ugh.
TAURUS (APR20 – MAY 20)
We’re watching you. This month your every move will be scrutinised. It’s like you’re living in the Big Brother house and someone forgot to let you out, especially since it stopped polluting our television screens. Thank god. Small mercy really. You, however, continue to pollute our ocular field, but we can’t help it – we find you irresistible. We can’t look away. We just can’t. Sniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiif.
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUN 20)
Do you have the X Factor? Eeeer, no.
Not this month.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JUL 22)
You’re a survivor! Indeed you are. Throw your hands up at me. Wait. That’s not right. Get naked! That’s better. In fact, that’s the only way you are going to win this month… is if you get naked. Losing an argument? Get naked. Being berated by your boss? Get naked. In trouble with the law? Get naked. This patented move will get you out of any difficult position… or into it, depending on whether anyone else gets naked with you too.
LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)
You are a dancing sack of potatoes. Just dance!
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEP 22)
I had the misfortune of watching Masterchef the other day. I have to admit, it was strangely appealing. It stirred something inside of me, like a soufflé slowly rising from the deep depths of my soul. But it’s just the fact that I’m completely dishlexic… I don’t know my way around a kitchen. That means I don’t know what I’m actually saying. Dish. Spoon. Fork. Cutlass. One of these things is not like the others. You!
LIBRA (SEP 23 – OCT 22)
If this were The Celebrity Apprentice, you’d be hired. I mean, it’s the fact that you’re sitting in the same room as Donald Trump anyway which suggests that yes, you have arrived. Somebody get you some room service, it’s busting up in here. Mmmmhmmm, girlfriend, we gots to gets some grits. Hell, even I don’t even know what I’m talking about half the time.
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
You may be able to claim that yes, indeed, I Survived a Japanese Game Show… but we’re still stuck with you, and we’re not smiling.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 21)
You are the Biggest Loser. You are a shadow of the person you once were. You stand sideways and people pass you straight by. It’s like you’re invisible but you aren’t. You’ve just lost a significant amount of weight. That means that whatever you have to say doesn’t have nearly as much impact. You can’t put your guts into anything anymore because they simply don’t exist. Dust.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22 – JAN 19)
The Mole. It is you. You are a mole. Sorry!
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
If you are Australia’s Next Top Model, you better get on top. Uh-huh, sashay that ass down the runway and get ready for camera flashing pop splashing body locking hot shopping foray into being fabulous, flirty and fashionable. It’s like you’re on fire. Everyone wants a piece of you. Oh yeah baby, that’s it! Phew… the only way you can top how amazing you’ll be this month is to kill it in killer heels.
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
You are a ratings landslide. In fact, you are the new sensation. Everyone is tuning in to you. It’s like you are the new reality. I’ve even given up eating and sleeping and making sense in a bid to watch you 24 – 7. Don’t worry… it’s just my new medication. This good mood will be gone by next month. Ha!
Beau de Vine
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