ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)
You’ll be red like the sole of a Christian Louboutin bootie this month. Don’t expect a red soul to be your trademark though… it appears that anyone from here to Yves Saint Laurent can have a red soul this days. Which is unfortunate – this means you have largely become generic. Sigh… one season you’re in, the next you’re out!
TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)
You’re fabulous like an Alexander McQueen design. That means that yes, even after your eventual demise, people will continue to remember you. Now that’s how fashion should be. Now if only you could speak from beyond the grave…
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUN 20)
Ah… dear old shabby hipster chic. It wasn’t ‘cool’ the first time around. It’s still not cool this time either. But, on you…? On you it works. Yes, you are the Holy Grail of hipstermatic hip-ness. Dirty hipsters all over the globe flock and awe at your incredibly grimy style. The rest of us, however, reach for a nice clean cake of soap…
CANCER (JUN 21 – JUL 22)
The sick sad truth is that, in actuality, you are nothing more than a shop-girl/boy. Sigh. That means that irrespective of your allusions, you were born to serve. Don’t you just love it when the world snaps its fingers and you have to come running. Sad really.
LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)
You are a mad stylised mess. It’s like you just walked off a Viktor & Rolf runway show. Yes, you are a tulle gown that has been taken to with a chainsaw. Or it’s like you painted your face red. Or wear all your clothes at once. Or stitch a pillow to your dress. Oh my god, the possibilities are endless. But one thing is certain, this month you will be unpredictable and outrageous and an unknown quantity. Welcome to my day-to-day life!
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEP 22)
Miuccia Prada eat your heart out! This month you are a hot mess. Not just any hot mess though. You are a hot Prada mess. You are python mashed with shimmering eye-sized penny sequins with gorilla arms and furry head warmers. God darling you are so on trend you ARE the trend. You are so beyond that everyone just holds their breath everytime you walk into a room. God… I’m gushing. Somebody get me a mop and bucket, stat!
LIBRA (SEP 23 – OCT 22)
Hello Karl.
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
Oooooh, Marc Jacobs eat your heart out. This month you are thin. Like… really thin. You are so thin you are like a cigarette. You are so thin you are like Kate Moss. You are so thin you are like Kate Moss smoking a cigarette during the close of a Louis Vuitton show. My god, you are so fabulous. I’m aching. ACHING. God.. I
want to be thin and fabulous too. Oh.. wait, I already am. How amazing are we!?
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 21)
Fashion has never looked more amazing than it does on you. Yes, this month you will be making clothes pop and accessories zing. It’s incredible how much people will fawn over you sartorial statements. You have arrived. Now excuse me… human kindness always make me break out into a horrible rash.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22 – JAN 19)
I love your hair. Bet you can’t tell if I am being sincere or not though…
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
You are fabulous with a capital FIERCE this month. You are Marky Mark in CK boxer briefs. Hot damn – yes you are the most remarkable fashionista. You are Vogue. What could make you even more fabulous?! The incredible arm-candy you’ve ended up with!
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
Fish is never a fashion statement.
Beau de Vine
