I’ve made a new friend in recent months, admittedly at the expense of two other friendships. It’s not what you might think, though; strictly platonic, I assure you.

Actually, as it turns out, my new friend was the mystery girl another friend’s GF opted to have a lengthy affair with. Awkward? Yes. But I try not to pass judgement or get involved in other people’s business.

Especially given the number of folk who have asserted their opinion about my last relationship and how I did or did not operate in it. Glasshouses and all that jazz.

Anyway, my new friend has an interesting way with words. So interesting that quite often I don’t have a clue what she is really saying. When on the topic of physical encounters I find myself wondering exactly what “giving her pleasure” might mean and how it differs from sexual intercourse. And I must admit that I am now totally confused as to what constitutes sex in a lesbian relationship. Is there but one definition; or do we all have our own sliding scale that works to keep our numbers down and our modesty intact?

For many of my straight girlfriends, giving someone a blowjob does not qualify as ‘proper’ fornication; only penetrative sex sees another suitor added to their shag tally. Same goes for a lot of my gay male friends. Unless some anal action has occurred they can still play the Virgin Mary card. But, as a lesbian, is there anything more intimate than oral sex?

It’s definitely not something I’d put on a list of potential first date activities. Because, in my mind, there’s a certain vulnerability involved and therefore level of trust that perhaps requires more than a bottle of Chianti and a handmade pasta. Unless of course it’s perfectly fluffed gnocchi; then anything goes.

Maybe I’m wrong but digital penetration (or silicone for that matter) seems slightly less personal (and therefore confronting) than letting someone get up close and personal with your spam castanet. And whilst heteros might be comfortable categorising oral sex as third base, for me it definitely counts as hitting a homo run. I’d just prefer to keep batting with the same pitcher is all.

Sadie Spade