We all know the story. Girl meets boy. Girl falls for boy. Boy tries to fall for girl but comes out of the closet instead. Sure, it’s a fairytale ending for boy, but girl has locked herself in her bedroom all day eating Lindt balls from her cleavage and sketching rainbows burning up in flames.
It’s a question that’s plagued many since the dawn of white trousers: How can you tell if the male friend you’re crushing on or the handsome barista you’ve been chatting up over the coffee machine is gay? Well, let’s just say there are signs. Character traits, if you will.
By no means am I suggesting gay men are all the same, because we’re not. We’re wildly diverse just like everyone else. But some of us do have a penchant for similar things and without getting all Doctor Phil on you, I’d like to share a few herein the hope that I might spare some women out there the inevitable heartache of a straight-gay crush.
First tip: check his IPod. If he has more than one Glee song on there, you have reason to be suspicious. It’s very possible he’s spending all that time in his room dancing about to the sweet auto-tuned sounds of Rachel and Finn. Other causes for question include Kylie, Lady Gaga and Whitney Houston.
Think about how well he wraps his gifts. Perhaps the word ‘exquisitely’ just popped into your mind, and then your heart sank at the biting realisation. It’s a cliché rooted in truth that many of us do enjoy making things look pretty, especially our packages.
Are his jeans tucked into his boots, his shirt into his jeans and his scarf/neck tie/cravat into his shirt? I know there are lots of impeccably well-dressed straight men these days (damn them for making it harder for us) but the outfit can still be telling – especially if it’s tight and tucked in like a bodysuit.
The looseness of hand gestures is a good one. Some of us like to flail our arms about like the world’s going to end. Wrist flicking, spirit fingering (I’m not being rude here) uncontrollable arm moving: they’re all indicative of our deep-rooted desires to live everyday like a musical.
How many times does he phone his mum in a week? You might not be privy to such information, but if you can poke it out of him, you’ll have quite the lead. When the conversations are daily and linger over the twenty-minute mark, it’s likely he’s also helping her shop for shoes and accessories.
Sometimes you can pick it up in the language he uses. Is everything ‘fabulous’ in his view, does he refer to you as ‘darling’ or ‘sweetie-pie’, has he ever started his sentence with ‘Oh my God you should have seen what so and so was wearing today’? Yes these are clichés and of course not all gay men use them, but I’m just saying: be aware of the humdingers.
If he knows all four lead characters from Will and Grace AND Sex and the City, and still can’t believe Carrie ended up with Big instead of Aidan, then you might want to be prepared for the ‘talk’. And by ‘talk’, of course, I mean whether or not they should make a Sex and the City 3.
Finally, think about the way he looks at you. A look is going to say so much more than all these ghastly stereotypes I’ve brought to the fore. If his eyes seemed burdened or the look of passion is forced, you should know something’s not right.
And if that’s the case, then you can damn well count your lucky stars because you may have lost a crush, but you’ve just gained what will soon be one of the most open, fun-loving and caring relationships you’ve ever experienced.
Written By: Nathan Scolaro
