We have all seen it before – the countless number of couples bickering at the counter of an IKEA store while children go unminded racing through its cavernous labyrinth of catalogue homewares. Even the black humour of the film Fight Club struck a cord with all IKEA shoppers when a seemingly ‘normal’ existence of accumulating its kit-furniture furniture lead to bloody retribution on the world – and if not the world then certainly our partners, who are usually a few feet away. Those who know its downfalls have even described it as ‘Ickie-ah’ and yet we continue to flood its carparks and feed our pennies into its fat little piggie banks. Here were what some of our readers have experienced and tips they share to surviving IKEA hell.
If you go with someone they always choose the things you hate. Ignore them. You have to decide early who’s going to take charge. Some one has to be the boss, it’s so goddamn hard to get back there if you bodge it up or don’t have all the screws.
If you get a few pieces it is good to say to your partner/significant other/dearest friend/annoying housemate ‘one is your project, one is my project’ then you wait until they go away and put it together anyway.
-A Cog in the Wheel.
Saturday’s are a no-no. It was full of kids. I never want to have kids ever after going to IKEA. It was such a horrible, horrible experience. I then went on a Monday and it was such a different experience and different atmosphere. I didn’t have to wait 10 years for a car space.
If you can, try to take a day off and go during the week. Saturdays and Thursday nights are hell!
The ultimate relationship test is assembling kit furniture together. If you don’t smash your partner over the head with it, you’re doing okay – you’re meant to be together.
I like to check all the pieces first by laying them out and reading the instructions, whereas my partner is more slap dash. I was slightly irritated by the bodge job she did but I let it go.
I had seven pieces of furniture that I put together. I had wrist cramp for two days!
Big tip – never over tighten. If you screw them all the way it won’t fit together. You are meant to go back and tighten them at the end.
-Screw That!
I went to IKEA on a weekday for brekkie – the best value in town. I absolutely loved it.
IKEA is empty on weekdays, so no hellish experience if you go on a weekday.
I didn’t have a list but ended up with a floor lamp.
The hubby did it all – I just let him do it all by himself while I just sat there looking pretty.
-Taking a Shine
We went for a hot dog but what we didn’t realise it was the Once a Year Sale at the new premises.
The closest available park was the emergency lane of Mitchell Freeway in Osborne Park.
We spent $700 on things I can’t recall, don’t use or have fallen apart, with the exception of their serviettes – they are the best serviettes you can buy.
I also purchased some sort of dog paraphernalia because evil IKEA marketing people are fully aware that a significant portion of their customers are animal loving lesbians and that we have been so beaten down by mums and their prams by the time we have followed that damn path to the registers, that we guilt purchase something for our fur kids.
I always get stuck and agoraphobic in the kitchenware section.
They need to include escape routes but no, they don’t want that, they want you to run through the store screaming like a crazed maniac looking for an item number that doesn’t exist or is out of stock indefinitely and if it is in stock there are none left on the shelf you can reach.
Oh, and don’t ask for someone to be around to assist – they are too busy looking for that item number in the computer that doesn’t exist.
So you are forced to do your best Tarzan impersonation, straddle the shelf hoping not to fall and crack your skull on the cement floor and when you finally get to the height equivalent of the second storey, you realise it’s the wrong colour and there is a reason it’s still there – it’s the colour of baby faeces!
But hey, it’s on sale, so you purchase it because the thought of coming back and doing it all again when the ‘next shipment comes in’ is enough to make you go straight to Empire and pay half a year’s salary for some prematurely aged furniture.
And if it is there and it’s exactly what you want, then it’s far too heavy or cumbersome to lift (this has always puzzled me given that all IKEA products are made from compressed cardboard).
Of course you insist on lifting it yourself and rupture a spinal disc trying to get it onto your trolley with the wonky wheel.
Luckily, I am a good assembler – even with missing parts or missing sections of the instruction sheet – but I normally finish with extra screws, which deep down I know is a problem.
However, I must be left alone to complete the assembly process or else it is divorce!
– Jungle Jane
Golden rules in regards to IKEA that I know of:
Beg, borrow or steal an IKEA catalogue – just owning one hints at the promise of a better life.
Always stay on the path – do NOT stray from the path!
After spending the day at IKEA, invite the in-laws over that night for dinner – nothing proves your father-in-law’s masculinity more than assembling the IKEA furniture for you.
-The Golden Boy
What I love about IKEA is its ability to control and conform the masses, shifting the average person systematically around a massive building like the old Ford Model T on the first assembly line.
What I hate about IKEA is how every time I went with my ex he somehow managed to stray from this conformity.
Weaving left and right and moving backwards unconventionally.
I must have wasted at least $60 on phone credit messaging and calling, “Where are you babe, WHAT? Why are you in the collection warehouse, I’m still looking at Swedish storage options on level 1?!”
I have to admit, I’m not too much of a handy man but I’m bloody good at my Lego and IKEA furniture to me is a grown boy’s Lego kit.
What this means is, ‘I’m fully capable babe and I would a appreciate you NOT using that condescending tone while I am putting together this (enter foreign designers name with dots above the ‘O’) bookshelf together!’
I would strongly suggest that IKEA be only approached by:
Honeymooners – those still deeply affectionate with each other too high on infatuations to start an argument.
Long-term couples whose relationship can actually withstand a strenuous experience like IKEA.
Those dating their hand – it’s much harder to argue at IKEA with yourself.
In all if IKEA is unavoidable and your partner is insisting on going, simply check them into the children’s playground, take your number and pick them up when you’re done!
-Factory Parts
All we wanted was a dining setting.
The first argument came while checking through the catalogue and the argument progressed from what kind of setting we wanted to what colour we were painting the dining room, which progressed to what colour we were painting the rest of the house and did we really need to redecorate? Me: 0. Ikea: 3.
We hadn’t even left home!
The catalogue got thrown out, and we decided that maybe we should see what was actually there (while I harboured a secret hope that the setting that he saw and wanted had sold out…)
This then led to another argument, because apparently $1 hotdogs aren’t good value – as if!
We finally picked one and got it home…and some bright spark decided maybe the provided Allen Key was too slow, and he was going to use a drill bit to do it up, until he stripped the first bolt and I then had to drill it out.
Lucky for me I had spare bolts!!
In the end, we both decided that maybe it was best that he put it together on his own (he was still holding power tools).
This will be your relationship saver – ONE PERSON DOES IT!!!!
We’re not together anymore. I put at least some blame on Ikea.
– Drilled and Confused
I don’t know what I love more, disposable Swedish furniture, or watching the countless bickering couples argue over pillows in the textile department.
Personally, I’ve never had a major episode at IKEA, because I always go in with a plan.
That’s the key.
Make a list of the things you need, and have a strategic plan of attack.
Problems occur when there are too many opinions about things that could have been earlier decided before the luring light of the showroom floor entices you like a moth to the flame.
– Too Many Cooks
Golden rules: 1) Don’t take children and 2) have the Swedish meatballs.
The thing about IKEA and it’s really clever, if you want a picture you have to go past everything to get to it and if you have a wife like mine it’s like ‘I’ll have that, I’ll have that’ so you’re f#$^ing broke by the time you get to the counter.
You can’t just go straight to where you want.
Kids just run and grab everything.
But it is good value for money and certainly good for rentals.
– Easily Pleased
