Baffled Asks…

My ex-girlfriend has recently begun going out with a man, I’m so surprised because she’s always been 100% lesbian. I’m not sure what’s happened for her to take this radical step, I want to be happy but I’m not sure this is the best decision.

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I empathize with your surprise and possible confusion.  However, maybe there are three phrases here that could be unpacked with a resultant decrease in your confusion and an opportunity for you to move on.

1.     My ex-girlfriend: Perhaps you may want to remember this – she is your ex.  Is there some layer of grief that you have not resolved around the reality that she is no longer your girlfriend in that sense?  No matter the reason for the breakup of a relationship, we all need to enter the grief process in order to move on.  Grief does bring with it shock, pain, some denial, a struggle to ‘let go’:  stages we need to embrace to be empowered to find new beginnings. Where are you on this journey? It is possible that you can still be friends, albeit in a different way.

2.     She’s always been 100% lesbian: Can any of us really be 100% certain of who we are, let alone others. Who am I? Our sexuality is not the only aspect of self that determines who we are. I see us, as human beings, living and walking along challenging, exciting, boring, confusing, bewildering paths in our life’s journey. Maybe your ex-girlfriend is asking that same question. She needs the freedom and acceptance to be able to walk that path, to seek an elusive answer.

3.     I want to be happy:  What will make you happy?  That she quits this new relationship, a relationship that perhaps seems puzzling?  Or would you be happy if she seems content and at peace within herself; open to life’s path with its many hurdles and challenges; a path that may perhaps be surrounded by beautiful flowers ready to bloom?

Perhaps this is where you can unpack and peel back the layers of your confusion.  Ask yourself what really will make you happy.  Perchance you may find that if you open up and do your ‘grief’ work you will find the answer. You never know, there are many paths out there for you to find and walk in freedom where you can find true happiness – a happiness that comes from accepting that your ex has moved on and that you can also.

Relish the plants and flowers that wind through your new path. We are entering a beautiful season of fantastic wildflowers.  Enjoy new beginnings.  You can be happy.

Please send questions on relationships to Elizabeth Brennan, Relationships Australia, PO Box 1206, West Leederville, WA 6901, or email elizabeth.brennan@wa.relationships.com.au

Elizabeth is only able to answer your enquiries in print in OUTinPerth and cannot give personal replies.