As we walked our dogs through the park the other day, my partner of five years remarked how she was disappointed with the small party we had attended the previous evening: didn’t enjoy the meal, wasn’t impressed with some remarks made, wasn’t too keen on participating in an event organised with the same group in a few weeks’ time. I gulped, swallowed the word ‘WHY’ that wanted to force its way out of my lips. Something strange is happening and this word ‘WHY’ is driving her mad! I thought that we had got to know each other quite well, that our relationship had cemented, and that we were in sync with each other. Lately, however, the person I thought I knew is somehow turning out to be quite different. I don’t know what’s happening, whether there is something I have done wrong. I am … bewildered!! Confused!! Helpless!! What’s going on?
Bewildered Bettina
Life is full of change: environments, work places, finances, gardens, health – you name it. And so, as with all things dynamic, relationships – which are comprised of living, growing, human-beings – also constantly change. It could be said that the only thing we can be assured of not changing is our DNA. Change can be bewildering, confusing, frustrating. But if we embrace change, if we acknowledge that change is inevitable, our lives, and therefore our relationships, can be enriched beyond measure. Perhaps this is why relationships are not automatically stamped with a ‘use-by’ date. In truth, if a relationship does inherit such a stamp, might it not be as a result of inevitable changes not being welcomed or accepted?
If it were at all possible to categorize what entails the most change in people, we might speculate emotions. It is our emotions – what we feel about things, people, interactions that most clearly indicate who we are. Our emotions impact on our thoughts and are the ingredients that most significantly determine who we are. And … we are constantly changing.
We need to update ourselves regularly on our partner’s world, keep ourselves informed on how she thinks and feels about all sorts of things. If we think we already ‘know’ our partner, we are operating on a false assumption.
Instead of being afraid of change, welcome it. Immerse yourself in it. Celebrate change. Perhaps you could instigate a loving ritual: set aside a particular day of the week when strolling through the park with your dogs. Open yourselves to each other’s ‘WHY’. Share the past week’s activities and their impact on changing thought patterns and feelings. Listen respectively to each other; gift each other with that willingness to be open to change. Relish the newness about each other, that which will keep your relationship alive.
Just one more bit of advice: don’t forget to take your umbrella when walking the dogs in the park. Thankfully, the weather will soon change and you will be able to gambol along the beach!
Elizabeth Brennan
