There are very few occasions in which I am able to give back to society. I can’t cure cancer, overthrow the North Korean government, stop global warming, or clean up after myself. But after being approached by Club West to do a performance with two other Drag Queens to help raise money for HIV/AIDS charities I found an opportunity to contribute.

“Oh, and by the way – we want you do the dance performance wearing nothing but silver hot pants.” I was a bit nervous about appearing in front of 650 people semi-naked so I called my friend Jaydn who I hadn’t spoken to in ages for advice. Offering me encouragement, Jaydn said most of gay Perth had probably already seen me naked and it would be nothing new to them. I suddenly remembered why I stopped calling Jaydn.

If Club West was on Grindr they would be described as a ‘top’ because they are always giving, not taking. They are giving money to charity through ticket sales, they are giving young Drag Queens a chance to perform and they are also giving the people of Perth some variety style entertainment at the Italian Club twice a year. Power Top!

I decided Club West should feature more male dancers so I should be in the show. Personally I don’t understand why the largely gay male audience would want to see Drag Queens – a scantily clad guy seems a little more exciting to me than some bloke in a wig and a dress.

Rehearsals went well, I was told to stand in the middle of the stage and flex! I figured if there was such thing as Gay Baywatch: The Musical it would look like this.

The other Drag Queens and I presented our performance idea to Terry Larder, the guy who created Club West over twenty one years ago. Terry sat there with a cool confidence that can only be described as cool and confident. He said he loved the performance and he put us in the first act.

I needed to get back into shape in preparation for the performance.

Sometimes I would be at the gym very early in the morning – one particular morning I was rather tired. I heard some children shouting and banging against the wall – I thought these poor kids were trapped. Suddenly transforming into superman mindset – I rushed over save the kids and realised there was a Day Care Centre behind that particular part of the gym! It was then that I decided coffee was mandatory in the mornings.

I borrowed my friends silver hot pants and bought some tanning lotion and a can of glitter. I foolishly put the glitter can in my bathroom cupboard next to my deodorant. One day before work I grabbed the can of glitter instead of the deodorant and sprayed my arm pits with glitter! I had to quickly iron a new work shirt and rocked up very late that morning.

Soon performance night came and I was all tanned and glittered ready for the big night. I looked gayer than one of Liza Minnelli’s hand bags. I haven’t actually seen her hand bags before but I’m sure they are very gay.

After $200 worth of protein shakes and a sock down my silver shorts, I felt a little cocky, excuse the term. The Italian Club was serving $4 champagnes – an offer I couldn’t refuse. A bit tipsy, I nearly walked up to the hot construction guy from the Village People number and asked if he was looking to jackhammer something later on. I came to my senses and decided that picking up wasn’t a priority and I had a show to do!

I went on stage and wiggled my little ass and flexed as I was told – which ironically goes against the AIDS-awareness-slash-safe-sex-message of Club West. It is sort of like Gary Glitter performing at a charity fundraiser for child sexual abuse victims – but in my case I think it worked well.

The show was a success, it was sold out! A highlight of the show was the Village People performance and MissDD Merits and her sailor dancer with his very large cannon which he lifted between his legs and stroked suggestively. Terry Larder took all his performers out for dinner as a Thank You. We all felt very loved and very full from the pasta.

Later that week I began chatting on Facebook with the hot Sailor guy from MissDD Merits If I Could Turn Back Time performance. I told him he could ‘Cher my bed anytime’ to which there was no reply. Well, I didn’t get the guy in the end but at least we raised a few thousand dollars for HIV/AIDS charities!

Liam Wilkinson

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