For the next mission, I’m going to need a member of the team who hasn’t had any same-sex encounters on the show. Anyone, anyone…? Hmmm… We might have to leave that mission to the boys from THE BILL instead. In the meantime, let’s examine this mysterious broadcast we’ve been receiving by putting the anal probes to TORCHWOOD (Mondays, Ten – 9:30pm).
As the cryptic crossword enthusiasts amongst you who’ve worked the anagram out already know, TORCHWOOD is a spinoff of the awesome British sci-fi mainstay, DOCTOR WHO. Torchwood was set up during last year’s WHO episodes as a covert organization established in Victorian times to protect the British Empire from extraterrestrial threats (and to hoard extraterrestrial technology to enable Britain to become a superpower, but they tend to downplay that part in the brochures). The main branch of Torchwood is found in Cardiff, Wales, under the strong command (and droolicious body) of mysterious, immortal, queer Torchwood head Captain Jack Harkness.
Captain Jack Harkness (played by edible gay Scottish-American actor John Barrowman) was first introduced in the 2005 new WHO. Though only popping up in a handful of episodes (and getting killed by the Daleks in the last one), Captain Jack, partly because of his status as the first officially bisexual companion in WHO history, proved so massively popular with fans that he was given a reprieve from death. The mystical ‘soul’ of the TARDIS , channeled through companion Rose, brought him back to life – (don’t look at me like that, I just watch the thing, I don’t write it!) and gave him his own spinoff show. Gay creator Russell T. Davis promised TORCHWOOD would be ‘darker and sexier’ than DOCTOR WHO. And is it ever!
Alongside Captain Jack, the following TORCHWOOD team-members are doing their bit for Queen and country:
Gwen Harper (Eve Miles): A former Welsh Copper working for ‘CSI Kebab’, Gwen accidentally gets caught up in a Torchwood case involving an alien gauntlet with healing properties and becomes an honorary agent. Has a boyfriend, but that doesn’t stop her making goo-goo eyes at Jack and (for some reason) shagging Owen.
Toshiko Sato (Naoko Mori): Japanese computer/camera expert and whiz on anything remotely alien and technological, she’s also a lesbian – the gizmos on this woman’s tool belt have got to be seen to be believed!
Owen Harper (Burn Gorman): Owen is an annoying know-it-all who exists chiefly to come up with lame-assed theories and get put down by Jack (unfortunately, only in a metaphorical sense) and shag numerous women during the course of the series, despite the fact that with his enormous mouth he looks like one of the flip-top headed Canadians from SOUTH PARK.
Ianto Jones (Gareth David-Lloyd): Sexy though initially somewhat secretive (for reasons revealed in the fourth episode, ‘Cyberwoman’), he eventually opens up – in more ways than one – and becomes Jack’s boyfriend. Lucky bitch!
So far, Captain Jack and gang have gone up against time-travelling killers, cannibal villagers, an alien that feeds off male orgasms, the return of the Cybermen, and killer Fairies (yup – nasty Tinkerbells!).
Hot gay guys, hot gay girls, and pansexual, earth-conquering aliens. If you miss this one, the Torchwood team will show up at your house to deactivate your gay gene!!
