ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)
Jingle bells, Christmas smells, New Years’ so far away! Yes, you have a whole silly season to get through before you can start enjoying something new. And this Christmas is going to be particularly torturous – the stench of human kindness will pervade all corners of your world. No matter how much cologne you douse yourself in, and no matter how many pinecones you rub against your skin, the odour of humanity will make you wretch.
TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)
You bet your ‘By Golly!’ this Christmas is going to be massive. There is so much to do. I mean, you have to buy presents for everybody… especially me. And a present ain’t a present unless it’s particularly big. I recommend no less than five hand spans. That’s big right? Look, if it’s smaller than a Shetland Pony, I want the receipt.
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUN 20)
Your world is changing. You’ve stepped up and surprised us all. It’s rather brilliant actually. As a reprieve, you no longer have to do the dishes.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JUL 22)
This Christmas, somebody will actually like Santa! Isn’t that just the most brilliant news you’ve heard all year? Finally… a real friend! Shame he’s imaginary.
LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)
Santa Claus is coming town. This isn’t a good thing. He knows what you’ve been doing. He knows every sordid detail. Don’t ask how! Just know that he knows. Shhhh… quiet! Did you hear that? On the roof? It’s him. Old St. Nick, here to judge you once again. To the kitchen, quick. That’s right, the biggest knife you can find. Now… get ready to take care of old Kris Kringle once and for all. Yes, some secrets are worth taking to the grave.
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEP 22)
You are as pure as the driven snow this holiday season. Fortunately, it never snows here, so expect to be mercilessly sweaty, sodden and stinky. Yup, you’re up to your elbows in mischief this Christmas. Just don’t lose the watch Nan bought you.
LIBRA (SEP 23 – OCT 22)
The only thing more amazing than Christmas is you. It’s like you are Christmas. Yes, theoretically you should be drawing the attention of the entire world, and people should be preparing gifts to give you. In fact, I think you should start a petition to have Christmas replaced with a 50 foot effigy of yourself. You already have one in the backyard. And hey, vanity is only vanity if you are vain. This attention is warranted. And necessary.
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
Kris Kringle will bring you a bingle. If you are lucky, it’ll be a slight sideswipe with no injuries, thankfully. If you are really unlucky, it’ll be a Lara Bingle, complete with annoying little nose and that hair. THAT HAIR! Somebody, quick… get me some scissors!
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 21)
Don’t be afraid to let yourself go this silly season. I’m talking bad Christmas cardigans, antlers, those really ugly plush holly felt badges, with bells. Yeah… go crazy. It’s the one time your inherent bad taste will fit right in.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22 – JAN 19)
Away in a manger, no room at the inn… well, you know what? If that was you schlepping across the desert on the back of an ass, full of immaculate conception, hallucinating angels and the voice of God, I’m sure you’d scream and rant and rave until they gave you a bloody room. A stable?! Who do they think you are?! The Virgin Mary!? And what’s the point of being the mother to the son of God if neither of them can’t pull some strings to get you into a cheap ass motel!? Start smoking… just to spite them.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
Back away from the mince pies. Put down the stuffing. Ignore that second helping. Don’t forget: a thin fabulous you awaits in 2012, but you aren’t gonna get there if you get sucked into the whole ‘eat eat eat’ mantra of Christmas. Now, excuse me, I have an entire turkey to eat slowly while you watch.
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
Salmon.
Beau de Vine
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