In my circle, 2012 was officially the year of the break-up. From seven-year relationships to six-month romances, my closest friends all found themselves single by the year’s end. And whilst a relationship undoubtedly takes work, so, too, does navigating its completion. Because losing your significant other can feel a bit like losing a limb. Given I’m not particularly proud of my arms or legs, my last break-up was kind of a blessing. I certainly feel thinner.

Speaking of blessings, it’s quite overwhelming the number of people who will tell you post split that in five years’ time you’ll look back and realise it was for the best. But five years is a pretty decent stretch. I mean, what is one to do in that pesky four-year waiting period?

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Disinterested in subscribing to the ‘don’t get mad, get even’ mantra, I have been workshopping some new guidelines for successfully navigating a heartbreak. Unlike a snood, one-size does not fit all. But maybe, just maybe, the following steps will help you get your groove back. They certainly helped me.

Step one: don’t get mad; get thin. Taking out all that anger and hurt on the treadmill will see you duly rewarded with endorphins, a sense of achievement and a killer rig. Hitting up the gym also gives you the opportunity to create playlists for each stage of your separation, which can be incredibly cathartic. For those still in the angry stage, why not give ‘Survivor’ by Destiny’s Child a red hot shot? You’ll be running a marathon in no time. In a crop top and bike pants.

Step two: don’t get mad; get laid. It might sound crude but after a bust-up it’s not uncommon to think you’ll probably never have sex again. You will. And the sooner you realise this, the sooner you’ll be open to finding a model upgrade. I’m not saying jump straight into another relationship. Just jump straight into another bed. The successful implementation of step one may assist you here.

Step three: don’t get mad; get over it. I’m sure many of you have been through a break-up where carrot dangling and emotional manipulation were popular pastimes. There comes a point, though, when you really have to cut the cord. It’s also important to remove any items that indicate you’re holding out for a reconciliation. This does not mean you have to throw away all your holiday snapshots and the winning pair of boots your ex bought you; perhaps just that holey t-shirt of hers you wear in bed whilst listening to old voicemails.

If all else fails, don’t get mad; get everything, the house, the car, the dog, the flatscreen. That’ll learn her. Plus, you’ll be too busy with mortgages, licencing, vet bills and ‘Seinfeld’ re-runs to miss her or even realise you’re single.

Sadie Spade