Is being in your thirties really like being in the new twenties? Is turning forty really like turning the new thirty and so on? The whole of society seems to be reinventing what it means to be older as the baby boom generation progresses through the decades. As a gay man how do I view my older and younger peers? What expectations do I have about where someone should be or what they should have achieved by the time they are 20, 40, or 60? What scripts are we choosing to play out in 2008 and what will we play out in 2020?
Unfortunately, one view of being old and gay is that of living a narrow, lonely and depressing existence without family support. Parts of society have, in the past and still do, frown upon gay sex and relationships. According to this view, a gay friendship network is limited. However, a more contemporary view of being older and gay includes having a loving extended family, an abundance of friends, and a supportive and respectful community. Older and gay, am I alone and isolated? Am I socially rejected when I go out because I don’t fit the youthful, buff image so often portrayed and revered within the gay community? Or am I holding my partner’s hand as we happily walk our dog and watch the sun go down?
For a number of people who have lived with HIV for a long time, particularly those whose diagnoses preceded antiretroviral treatments, the concept of getting older was never on the radar. Diagnosed with only years to live, there was little planning for the future (except for a funeral) and, for many, little or no investment in career, superannuation or relationships. Some people may have turned to finding solace in alcohol and other drugs as a viable life option. Ideas of trauma and death were psychologically well established as many close friends died. Living in poverty was also entrenched, as any money was spent quickly on easy living for as long as it lasted.
By the middle to late nineties effective anti-HIV medication began to turn this story around. For some people living long term with HIV, coming back from this experience to a more normal way of living has been very difficult indeed. Holding on to the anger of a wasted life can itself be toxic. The counselling and community support needed for some individuals is very clear.
The experience of living long term with HIV is now also layered with being older. The Health Department in WA currently reports that almost 40% of gay men with HIV are between 40-49 years of age. Additionally 40% are over the age of 50. In total that is just under 500 gay men in Western Australia in these age groups. A serious challenge for our community is ensuring that older gay men are treated with respect and understanding. After all, they not only endured the early part of the HIV epidemic with courage and saw many friends die, they also fought for the rights and entitlements in the gay community that we so often take for granted today.
Those with HIV, some of whom may have lived with HIV for many years, others of whom may have more recently acquired HIV require understanding and compassion. One simple step forward is for everyone to remain open minded to new friendships with our older peers. Loneliness CAN be alleviated.
