DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (Mon May 25, Seven-8:30pm) – With hot men getting topless for no reason (not that I’m really annoyed at that), more mattress-hopping than in a bedbug nest and stick-thin, big haired women (I’m waiting for the episode in which Teri Hatcher’s head becomes too heavy for her popsicle stick body and just falls off and rolls away), it’s really just a less fun MELROSE PLACE. We can’t live on Camp alone, people!

DR PHIL (Thurs May 29, Ten-Midday) – Who knows what kind of material this Schaden-Freud (see what I did there?!) is holding over Talk Show Goddess Oprah Winfrey to get her support for his saccharine, brain-bandaid brand of pop-psychology, but given how ineffective his diagnostic approach is (one of his patients is Britney Spears: enough said), it has to be a doozy of a blackmail tape.