Notes from poly-world: The numbers game

When you tell people you’re polyamorous there are usually two reactions: people either ask how you deal with jealousy, or they admit they’re feeling jealous of your lifestyle. How can you have multiple partners when they can’t even find ONE!

A few weeks ago I was on Good Morning Britain. It’s a daytime TV show in the UK. And since we know no-one is really paying attention at that time of the morning we let Piers Morgan host it. It keeps him off the streets.

I’d gone on to talk about my unshaven armpits. You’d be surprised how much airtime they get. l often wonder if I should get them insured the way Kim Kardashian insures her bum. Piers was in a hurry to find out what men think of my pit kittens, concerned they might be causing me some sort of sexual drought.

I reassured him by explaining that I have multiple partners. It’s a family show so you can’t say “drowning in cock” but I think he got the message because he didn’t say anything for several minutes. When he did recover his power of speech he had long since forgotten about my support for the JanuHairy campaign (yes that’s a real thing!) and wanted to know how many men I was dating.

I have two or three regular partners and perhaps five or six more that I see less frequently. Maths being Piers’s strong suit he leapt on this information. “You have eight boyfriends?”. For a certain value of the term “boyfriend” I guess yes. Can you really call someone a “boyfriend” if they live in Perth and you only get to see them in February when you come over for FringeWorld?

But still let me be clear. You can have eight boyfriends if you want. Or girlfriends. Or four of each. That comes down to numbers.

There are eight billion people on earth. So, and remember this when you’re stuck in the office wishing you’d saved your extended report the first time before the computer crashed…at absolute minimum there are millions and millions of people on earth who would love to have sex with you. Regardless of whether you’re having a bad hair day or you feel fat and frumpy or lumpy and lopsided or you can’t remember what the inside of the gym looks like. Millions of people want to fuck you.

The only things standing between you and eight boyfriends are:
1. Can you be bothered to go out and find these people?
2. Can you be bothered to sort through for the good ones, the ones you like?
3. Can you be bothered to do the scheduling?

I can’t answer those questions for you. I can only recommend Google Calendars.

Yesterday a wonderful woman called Joy who has been coming to my shows for several years passed away after a long illness. She was seventy-four, she discovered polyamory at seventy-one and would arrive at shows rather regally on the trailer of her fifty-two-year-old boyfriend’s pushbike. Her other boyfriend was fifty-eight. She told me her personal motto was “If in doubt, do it”. Whether you’re looking for one partner or eight, I think that sounds like good advice.

Kate Smurthwaite

Kate Smurthwaite is a feminist, atheist, polyamorous comedian who will be performing at the 2019 Perth Fringe 1st-17th Feb (not Mondays) at Tiki as FK. For full info and tickets please visit Fringe World

Image: Jon Cartwright

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