Swashbuckling Stocking Stuffer!

‘Twas the ish’ before Xmas and on every telly
Was nought but reindeer and that red guy with a belly.
You can’t escape Dancer, you can’t escape Donner,
And those films about Prancer make you wish you’re a goner;
You cannot complain, lest you’re labelled a Grinch,
They cram Xmas down you with a pulley and winch.
THE LAST LEAF and JACK FROST and that Scrooge by the Muppets,
THE SANTA CLAUS is so bad that you’ll hurl your McNuggets.
MRS SANTA CLAUS may feature late Gay actor Mike Jeter,
But he’s playing her head elf, not a guy who likes Peter;
But hope is not lost in the saccharine yuletide,
Amongst the sickly sweet pudding the odd coin doth hide.
So you Humbugs and Grinches who like swords and leather,
And guys and girls not wearing much ‘spite the weather
Can rejoice, for Xena has handed her crown
To a buff kiwi boy whose pants often are down;
He’s shirtless, he’s hot and he’s friends with Elf-boys,
(But the Hobbity sort, not the ones who make toys).
So gather around, for though I know it sounds shocking
Santa’s put LEGEND OF THE SEEKER (Sundays, Fox 8- 3.30pm)
In your gay stocking!

From the same stables that brought us both HERCULES and XENA comes LEGEND OF THE SEEKER (Sundays, Fox 8- 3.30pm), written and produced by the Xena/Hercules team, filmed in New Zealand with a cast of beautiful, clothing-most-definitely-optional Kiwis (the actors, not the birds), the odd American character actor, and revolving around sword and sorcery shenanigans that are a mixture of high adventure and high camp.

Kiwi hottie Craig Horner, fresh from tackling perky cheerleaders in BLUE WATER HIGH and perky mermaids in H20: JUST ADD WATER now tackles not-so-perky trolls, wizards and witches as he tries on the lead role of the Seeker, Richard Cypher. Though he’s no relation to ANGEL HEART’s Louis Cypher, he is just as enigmatic, but Mickey Rourke can take the padlocks off his doors and put the safety back on the shotgun, because *Richard* Cypher is a good guy. He starts off the series as a simple Forest Guide- taking his shirt off and helping people navigate the wilderness, taking his shirt off for long bouts of hiking and tree-watching and loving nature (shirtless)- kind of like Smokey the bear if he bartered all his upper-body wear for a good depilatory cream. Cypher lives in the Westland, a forested kingdom where no magic exists, due to a magic spell (which is almost as illogical as BEING HUMAN’s vampire boasting a serious sun-tan, so let’s move on).

Over the hill and beyond the dale is D’Hara, a kingdom rife with magic- witches and wizards and warlocks and necromancers aplenty- it’s like Hogwarts exploded over an entire country. D’Hara is ruled with an iron fist (with matching set of wands) by the evil warlock Darken Rahl. Rahl is played by Kiwi actor Craig Parker. Openly Gay hottie Parker is probably most familiar to audiences from the first two LORD OF THE RINGS movies, where he played Haldir, the elf that Aragorn was boning before he met Legolas (seriously, check out the sexual tension between Aragorn, Legolas and Haldir in THE TWO TOWERS- Aragorn’s all ‘So, Legolas, this is my ex-boyfriend …awkward!’)

If both the hero and the villain of LEGEND OF THE SEEKER being played by hot guys named Craig confuses you, just remember that Good Craig is the one who takes his shirt off so often I don’t know why he bothers to wear one. Bad Craig is the scenery chomping villain who- in a shocking plot twist seen coming miles away by anyone who’s watched THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, is revealed later on to be our hero’s older, evil (but still hot) brother! Gasp!

Also along for the dragon-ride is American actress Bridget Regan (the SEX& THE CITY movie) as Kahlan Amnell, an enigmatic sorceress from the land between D’Hara and Westland, cunningly named ‘The Midlands’. Kahlan is a ‘Confessor’, a race of magical women who bring peace to the land by being able to make anyone she touches immediately fall in love with her and do whatever she says (she’s kind of like a Medieval Drew Barrymore) and unlike the more unpleasant type of middle-ages Confessor, she doesn’t live in Spain and augment her touch with a pair of red hot pliers, which is all good. Strangely enough, though she has touched our hero Cypher, he seems immune to her power of suggestion- clearly a shout out to Gay fans, as Cypher could therefore still be taking up arms (and taking off shirts) for our team.

The cast is rounded out by extraordinarily angular Aussie icon Bruce Spence, who is renowned for playing (angular) character parts in such films as MAD MAX 2 and STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH. Here Spence plays the lanky wizard Zeddicus Z’ul Zorander (try saying that through a mouthful of Lucy Lawless) or Zedd, a centuries-old mage who is secretly Cypher’s grandfather, and not so secretly the series’ comic relief. He’s got a wandering eye (disturbingly literally!) and a fondness for meditating naked on top of large boulders (let’s hope the SEEKER quest involves a lot of walking through flat, featureless plains!). His favourite word is ‘Bags!’ which for some reason in the SEEKER-verse is a particularly filthy swearword (possibly to avoid any lawsuits from LOTR’s Bilbo Baggins).

Take off your shirt, jump on a horse and start this quest!

Gavin Pitts