Horoscopes

Horror-scopes August 2010

ARIES
You will make some bald moves this August. Yes, follicles are out, slap heads are in. You’ll lead the charge with words like ‘bungle’, ‘rort’ and ‘shambles’ dogging your every move. You may have been a rock star in a former life, but now… well, no-one’s really sure what you are any more. Credible is the least likely response.

TAURUS
What are you wearing? Jesus Christ. When did a royal blue ‘80s inspired power suit with shoulders to match ever come into fashion outside the realm of Dynasty or The Bold & The Beautiful. Your outfit will be so outrageous that when they come to do a group montage shot of you and your party friends, you’ll be put discretely in the background, the lurid blue shoulders of your power suit providing the counterpoint of balance to the entire portrait. That will be your only concession to anything to do with stylistic taste for the whole month. Burn your wardrobe and fire your stylist. (more…)

HORROR-SCOPES, June 2010

ARIES
This month your life will be a black seeping mess in the Gulf of Mexico. You will be bigger than any natural disaster: you will be a catastrophe. Your partner – or mum – will be bereft and quickly run out of bleach after having washed and washed and washed the bed sheets relentlessly. At night, no one will see you as you slink through the streets, leaving behind a streak of black goo. To say you are a stain on the face of the planet this month is a bit harsh: you aren’t the head of BP after all. (more…)

Horror-scopes, May 2010

ARIES
This Saturday is Kate’s Party and you don’t have anything to wear! Is Kate’s Party fancy dress? Will Kate’s Party be full of people wearing Kate’s Party merchandise t-shirts, the kind that say ‘I passed out and woke up to find my kidney was missing at Kate’s Party’? Or will everyone be wearing turbans at Kate’s Party? And if everyone is wearing turban’s, how will you be sure no-one will be wearing exactly the same turban as you, if indeed you decide to wear a turban to Kate’s Party after all?!? These are the complexities and dilemmas that will plague you this month in the lead up to Kate’s Party… which is tomorrow night. (more…)

Horror-scopes - March

ARIES
It’s time to grab some popcorn and get ready for the science fiction double feature as your life mutates into some strange creature, the likes of which you’ve never seen before. If you’re feeling monstrous it’s ok, so is the rest of the world. So seep up out of that black lagoon and get ready to go ‘grrrrr, arrrgh’. Yes, it’s not just going to be one of those days, it’s going to be one of those months. The stars suggest you don’t look in mirrors. Not just yet, anyway. (more…)

Horror-scopes

ARIES
If you think it’s hard being as beautiful as you, try and be as beautiful as me. Yes, 2010 is all about discovering how hard it is to walk in other people’s shoes – which in fact can be quite crippling if said shoes are two sizes too small. And especially if said shoes are cheap designer knock-offs. I mean, seriously, who would sully their hoof with cheap designer knock-offs? The key to this year then? Emulate people who wear expensive shoes. And if you don’t know anyone who kicks around in Balenciaga heels, well… you better honey. (more…)

Horoscopes- October 2009

ARIES
Baaa ram ewe. Baaa ram ewe. You’re a babe in the woods this month. There are wolves, and they are big, and they are bad. Don’t be a dag. Make sure you wipe up after yourself. Chop chop. There are cuter things than cutlets. Wool will be pulled over your eyes. Are you shorn about where ewe are heading? If so then you need a paddock on the back. By the way, it’s Pride… you’ll get a shag. (more…)

Horoscopes- September 2009

Aries
Ah, the future. It is happening tomorrow. And the day after. Today? Today you must sit and wait. What will tomorrow bring? More of the same, except that you’ll be spending more time on creative pursuits. So get creative and get ready to pump a little money into such ventures. But that’s not until tomorrow. Until then, just put your feet up and relax.

Taurus
It’s time to get a little serious. Not too serious, but serious enough. Think a slightly stern face, not a full-throttle frown. Nor any harrowing furrows across your forehead. That’s far too serious. No, it’s more of a ponderous seriousness you should adopt, a slight ‘hrmmm’, with a solid jawline, possibly even a little beard scratching. If you don’t have a beard, it’s recommended you buy one. You should always have a good beard on hand. (more…)

Horoscopes June 2009

Aries
Like a pig at a trough, so is the nesting bird. Or… the fat ram wham bam’s the opportunity it sees inside its Vietnam. If so, then why not… baa baa black sheep have you any peeps? Huh? What? Put simply, Sheepie, you’re looking at expanding your paddock and filling it with nice tufts of grass. You’re keeping yourself stupidly busy acquiring and ticking off the boxes on your lists. All this makes you very lively indeed. Keep it up and you’ll be singing in the ewes. (more…)

Horoscopes- May 2009

Aries
And… strut! It’s time to swagger as you get your mojo back. You’re so magnetic that paperclips, loose fillings and car keys will all be finding you out and sticking to you like glue. In fact the energy around you is so hard to ignore that all manner of people will be stopping by to say hi. You’ll be surprised at exactly who will be attracted to you this month. Get ready for some incredibly pleasant surprises. Thank God you have you strut on then – with all those eyes on you, you’re gonna want to be giving them a show. (more…)

Horoscopes April 2009

ARIES
You demand a lot, don’t you? Your demands continue to run high through April. Thing is people aren’t listening. And why should they? What are you giving them? Besides earache? And a list of demands as long as your hoof? The only entities listening are the heavens, who are granting you sex and money in equal measures. So while you may be able to woo someone to bed with an incredibly expensive diamond ring, the reality is that you’ll chew their ear off in the process. And it’s likely they’ll chew their own arm off to escape. (more…)