Horoscopes

Horror-scopes

ARIES
If you think it’s hard being as beautiful as you, try and be as beautiful as me. Yes, 2010 is all about discovering how hard it is to walk in other people’s shoes – which in fact can be quite crippling if said shoes are two sizes too small. And especially if said shoes are cheap designer knock-offs. I mean, seriously, who would sully their hoof with cheap designer knock-offs? The key to this year then? Emulate people who wear expensive shoes. And if you don’t know anyone who kicks around in Balenciaga heels, well… you better honey. (more…)

Horoscopes- October 2009

ARIES
Baaa ram ewe. Baaa ram ewe. You’re a babe in the woods this month. There are wolves, and they are big, and they are bad. Don’t be a dag. Make sure you wipe up after yourself. Chop chop. There are cuter things than cutlets. Wool will be pulled over your eyes. Are you shorn about where ewe are heading? If so then you need a paddock on the back. By the way, it’s Pride… you’ll get a shag. (more…)

Horoscopes- September 2009

Aries
Ah, the future. It is happening tomorrow. And the day after. Today? Today you must sit and wait. What will tomorrow bring? More of the same, except that you’ll be spending more time on creative pursuits. So get creative and get ready to pump a little money into such ventures. But that’s not until tomorrow. Until then, just put your feet up and relax.

Taurus
It’s time to get a little serious. Not too serious, but serious enough. Think a slightly stern face, not a full-throttle frown. Nor any harrowing furrows across your forehead. That’s far too serious. No, it’s more of a ponderous seriousness you should adopt, a slight ‘hrmmm’, with a solid jawline, possibly even a little beard scratching. If you don’t have a beard, it’s recommended you buy one. You should always have a good beard on hand. (more…)

Horoscopes June 2009

Aries
Like a pig at a trough, so is the nesting bird. Or… the fat ram wham bam’s the opportunity it sees inside its Vietnam. If so, then why not… baa baa black sheep have you any peeps? Huh? What? Put simply, Sheepie, you’re looking at expanding your paddock and filling it with nice tufts of grass. You’re keeping yourself stupidly busy acquiring and ticking off the boxes on your lists. All this makes you very lively indeed. Keep it up and you’ll be singing in the ewes. (more…)

Horoscopes- May 2009

Aries
And… strut! It’s time to swagger as you get your mojo back. You’re so magnetic that paperclips, loose fillings and car keys will all be finding you out and sticking to you like glue. In fact the energy around you is so hard to ignore that all manner of people will be stopping by to say hi. You’ll be surprised at exactly who will be attracted to you this month. Get ready for some incredibly pleasant surprises. Thank God you have you strut on then – with all those eyes on you, you’re gonna want to be giving them a show. (more…)

Horoscopes April 2009

ARIES
You demand a lot, don’t you? Your demands continue to run high through April. Thing is people aren’t listening. And why should they? What are you giving them? Besides earache? And a list of demands as long as your hoof? The only entities listening are the heavens, who are granting you sex and money in equal measures. So while you may be able to woo someone to bed with an incredibly expensive diamond ring, the reality is that you’ll chew their ear off in the process. And it’s likely they’ll chew their own arm off to escape. (more…)

Horoscopes #91

ARIES
Look inward. Scour past the innards and guts and goo and such. Venus has moved back out of your sign, literally. By the 15th it’ll be canoodling with Pisces, having given you up for somebody saucier. Not feeling up to it? Then don’t do it. Wait until the 26th when everything old is new again. But until then, distance seems d’jour. Which is strange – while all you want to do is hide away from the world, all the world wants to do is seek you out. Get strategies into place. Plan, budget and plot that escape route. (more…)

Horoscopes February 2009

ARIES (MAR 22 – APR 19)
It’s time to get out in the garden, dear Aries, and start a-digging and a-planting and a-seeding and a-green-thumbing, that garden being the metaphorical garden of life. Hit the world with the idea of making it a greener pasture. Put on a big floppy hat. Don’t be sluggish. Aphids are like K-Fed: a nuisance. Get one of the comfy kneeling pad things because hey, sometimes in order to get ahead in life you just need to get a little dirty in the garden. And while you’re down there, make sure your partner gets some attention, because love needs a little attention in order for it to become blooming marvellous. (more…)

2009 Horoscopes with Beau de Vine

OUTinPerth’s resident star gazer, Beau de Vine surveys the year ahead.

ARIES (MAR 22 – APR 19)

It’s all about the pairing this year, Ramsey. Yes, all your partnerships are on an event horizon and are about to go supernova. Work? Expect to survive only with the might of another by your side. Artsy? Then collaborate to benefit significantly. In love? Then you’ll be building a bigger and better future together. Not in love? You will be, mark my words! Two hearts, Farmyard, two hearts! (more…)

December Horoscopes

ARIES (MAR 22 – APR 19)
Work is something people do… apparently. It can be very rewarding… apparently. For you, it most certainly is. That’s why you take time out to travel – either thru time, space, in actuality or from your armchair. You may find yourself in Ancient Rome on the 18th, or New Atlantis 3000 years in the future on the 21st. Either way, people will think you’re opinionated. Don’t try and brush it off as enthusiasm for getting your point across. It’s not. You’re opinionated. And that’s not a bad thing. Nor is time travel. Just try and convince people otherwise of the benefits of both and they’ll think you’re bonkers… apparently. (more…)