ARIES
You are breaking the budget. The budget was your friend, but now that you’re breaking it, you’ve been deleted from its friend list. Don’t despair, you can add unfriend finder and find out exactly who has deleted you. Then you can send them questioning emails, asking them exactly what they think gives them the right to delete your friendship when you were going to do it yourself. Bitch please.
TAURUS
You are emaciated like your youth. You are all cheekbones and collar, shading and a little too much fake tan. It is amazing that you can even fit into your clothes, but it’s amazing what safety pins and bulldog clips can do now isn’t it. You will cheeseburger your way out of some tricky situations this month. Pens and other long handled utensils are your friends.
GEMINI
Get some sunshine. Learn to match your clothes. And yes, you are a rockstar.
CANCER
This month you are the annoying work colleague. No, you aren’t annoying. But you are LIKE the annoying work colleague. You know the one. He sits at the desk next to you going through his Facebook photos, indulging in a copious lashing of afternoon vanity. Ugh. It makes you nauseous. And the rest of us.
LEO
Get your grills on. Your Brendan Grylls. Mmmmhmmmm, drop a politician in your mouth and get your politico-rant on. Mmmmmhmmmm, bitch please. You wanna piece of my policy!? I’ll serve it up on your back benching ass. Honey, you ain’t got shiz on me and my party, so don’t you even think you can get the get go in my ghetto. Alright?! And if that made sense to you, then I feel very very sorry for you right now.
VIRGO
Wash. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash
LIBRA
You are catchy like a Britney auto-tune lovefest. And that’s pretty catch. If you were the catch of the day, the catcher would have a handful, because yes, you are that too. In fact, you are so catch-a-licious it’s like you are your own jingle and people only have to hear three chords of you and they are hopelessly addicted forever. My god, you are so amazing.
SCORPIO
Sadly, you aren’t so amazing this month. It’s not your fault. Blame it on the stars. In fact, it’s everybody else’s fault. So blame it on everyone. Make up a placard and brandish it at the world. Yes, thrust it down peoples throats. Make your point known. The world deserves to know that you are not nearly amazing this month as you should be, nor or ever likely to be at all. Bummer dude.
SAGITTARIUS
If every sperm is sacred, did they make you the exception to the rule?
CAPRICORN
Be nice. I know that’s a tall order coming from someone like me but seriously, be nice. Would it hurt you to rain down a little sunshine? Would it kill you to burst forth a little heartfelt sincerity? Would the world end if you took a moment to sing an unstoppable song from the bottom of your heart? No! It wouldn’t! So be bloody nice. God.
AQUARIUS
You are Britney. This is the end of the world. You can stop dancing now. Please.
PISCES
And I will always love you. Oh yes, I will always, love, you. Mmmhmmm. After all, while there may be plenty more fish in the sea, there is only one you, and you are special. So special. You’re like a whole big bus of special. Toot toot. Special bus coming through. Run me over with your big special wheels. Now excuse me, I feel queasy.
Beau de Vine
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