Much like a caterpillar must go through metamorphosis to become a butterfly, so too must the queer person go through a series of transformative stages to emerge from adolescence to a beautiful and unique specimen fully equipped with the dance moves and dress sense necessary for mating.

Here’s our list of some rites of passage that form part of one’s transformation from an awkward baby queer into a slightly less awkward regular queer.

- Advertisement -

• A suspiciously intense obsession with a role model of one’s according gender (can be fictional or real). Popular examples include: River Phoenix, Jane from ‘Daria’, Legolas from ‘Lord of the Rings’, Tina Fey and that one girl from Drama class.

• A period of self denial. Not all queers go through this stage, some lucky folk seem to exit the closet as they exit the womb, but for the rest of us, the slow realisation of one’s true sexuality may undergo sub-oceanic levels of repression in an attempt to fit in to a heteronormative world.This can include acts of overcompensation such as an attempt to be interested in sports, a feigned interest in the boy band of the time or excessive hair straightening.

• A really terrible haircut and questionable clothing choices. This is the most crucial part of the metamorphic process and something every queer must at some stage go through. The road to self acceptance is not without its bumps, and in a culture that sees hair and clothes as a primary gender identifier, finding one’s look can be a minefield of awkwardness as you trial and error your way through both the mens’ and womens’ departments at Target.  Until you discover what works for you inside and out, there’s going to be stylistic pitfalls, whether it’s hiding half your face behind a bleached side fringe or going over the top in the hope that your flannel shirt and skinny jeans combo will let the ladies at The Court know you’re available.

• Ravenous consumption of any available LGBT material. There is a stage in many a queer’s life where they have yet to meet any real life gay people, and when they suspect they may not be a garden variety heterosexual, fiction is the place to turn. This is why classics such as ‘Queer as Folk’ and ‘The L Word’ are still racking up hits on YouTube. Some lonely babyqueer is discovering their community, one season at a time.

• Becoming a professional. After destroying the metaphorical closet with a flamethrower of self-discovery and acceptance, many a queer will embrace their newfound identity by going professional. Classics include a stint as a glassie at the local gay bar, joining the university queer society or writing for a gay magazine. Being a professional gay isn’t about a paid gig, it’s about being queer full time.

Sophie Joske