ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)
When last we left off you were in the midst of a delusional psychosis, one which saw you thinking you were a can of flat lemonade. A can of flat Diet Coke if you were lucky. Has anything changed? Well dear readers, it appears that, yes…things are on the up for all you Rams out of there. Friends, love, children…they all feature big this August. Even with the prospect of love you manage to get a whole heap of work done. Watch out for fireworks on the 19th. All that explodes isn’t necessarily good. Til’ next time.
TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)
Seems eclipses are all the rage this month. Thank God I went out and got myself a gorgeous new eclipse. I plan on wearing it out this weeked, it’s really that stunning. And just like my last name, I’m gonna look divine. But for you, dear Bull? Watch out for eclipses this month, not ellipses…although ellipses generate…dramatic pause. Do you like…dramatic pause? If…so…get yourself… an ellipsis. But watch out for…the lunar eclipse…on the…16th. It confuses ideals you have in regards to your…career. Your charm is very…big this month. Gee…maybe I might go out and…get myself…some ellipses instead. They’re far more…dramatic…aren’t they…?
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 20)
Do you believe in life on other planets? Of course not, why should you…especially when it’s hard enough to find life on our own! Your horizons, however, are expanding like the surging onslaught of a solar wave spewing out from a collapsing supernova. And riding on this wave is contact with other people…other life forms…other beings…from other worlds…beyond your own. Look beyond the stars, oh Gemini, for celestial adventures are in store from the 19th onwards. Take care of everything at home and remember: never leave without your towel. It’s the first rule of a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy…
CANCER (JUNE 21 – JULY 22)
Crab casserole is perhaps one of the easiest crab recipes to prepare. Simply take a can of crab meat, a can of mushroom soup, half a cup of seasoned stuffing crumbs, half a…oh, at it again aren’t I Cancer?! Sorry, excuse me for salivating, but I can’t help myself. You’re just so tasty. I want to eat you. Yes, possibly even in a Hannibal Lecter kind of way. You are just a crab after all. One who is surrounded by themes of money and intimacy. Relationships with siblings feature. Get your finances in order. Income will boost. My stomach will be filled (insert creepy Anthony Hopkins sound effect).
LEO (JULY 21 – AUG 22)
There’s a solar eclipse of the heart coming Kitty Cat and it’s got your name all over it. As power surges into your sign prepare to strike out on all fours are roar your little heart out. Push forward with personal project. Expect gifts and such…and not just because it’s your birthday. Your partner may freak out at this new found independence. Let them! They love freaking out at the heart of it really. Opportunities are coming Leo. Grab them by their mane!
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEPT 22)
After finding yourself in the midst of a horror movie last month it seems direction turns and you become the leading lady in a schlock goodwill story, one which sees your popularity – and audience – soar to staggering numbers. Ugh…couldn’t happen to a nicer person. Can someone help me please? I’m drowning in sincerity.
LIBRA (SEPT 23 – OCT 22)
Do you ever get tired of being fabulous? No…neither do I. I mean, being fabulous just comes so naturally to creatures like you and I. And as a result, well, it doesn’t really matter what happens to us because one truth remains eternal…we’re fabulous. So there might be some emotional issues this month. So what? We’re fabulous. So there might be a quickening of pace with Mars entering our sign. Who cares? We’re fabulous. Enough said.
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
Bluuuuuuurgh! Bluuuuuuuurgh…bl…bluuuuuuuurgh. Oh, sorry, I’m having a violent allergic reaction…to you! Oh…god…heeeeeeeaven help me. Please. Make it stop! Bluuuuuuurgh. It won’t! It can’t! Oh god, the horrooooooor! Is that my stomach lining? Bluuuuuuurgh! Oh…Mother Mary up above…please…please…make it stoooooooooooooooooop…!
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 20)
How was Sudan? Still alive I see. Hmmmm, are you sure you went to Sudan? Not to fear – it seems travel still features heavily this month for you. As do educational goals (You can actually learn? Wow!) and contact with people from different backgrounds. Don’t let the distraction of short trips, paperwork or errands mid-month stop you from getting away. Please. I’m sure together we can think of somewhere equally as war ravaged as Sudan for you to holiday in.
CAPRICORN (DEC 21 – JAN 19)
Seems you have the charm turned on solid, Sea-Goat. A very big ask, considering what you are. The ego boost you receive at the end of the month is unfathomable…just like the murky depths from which you evolved. But come it will, this lift to your spirits. Beware money issues, especially those surrounding large purchases or such. Yes, I don’t understand why I’m helping you either. No…really, I don’t.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
When did you suddenly fall in love Aquarius? Thanks for telling me! It appears that the eclipses happening this month has direct effect on you and your partner. Emotions run high and you could potentially fly off the handle. Don’t forget to flap those wings if you do, and flap that mouth even faster…after all, you’ll need to do so if you intend on not losing what you’ve just found.
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
I’m sorry. I’m gonna be honest – I don’t care what happens to you this month. I can see what might happen, but I don’t care. Why? Because it’s 4:24 in the afternoon and it’s surprisingly sunny outside, even though it’s winter, and I’d rather be out there enjoying that than being stuck in here making you happy. Call me selfish if you want…oh alright. Money…there. Oh and something about something happens too. See, I never said this was an exact science, did I? Sigh….
