THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR A HUGE-ASS SPACE-ROBOT!

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Those of you who were alive in the early Eighties and are familiar with Japanese anime a] deserve a pat on the back for having remaining a virgin for nearly thirty years and b] will remember the cartoon exploits of VOLTRON- a huge-ass flying robot that was formed from the combined rockets ships of five perky anime teens who looked suspiciously like the five perky teens in BATTLE OF THE PLANETS, only without the avian-derived costumes and who piloted Voltron into outer space, where he’d defeat the various supervillains/monsters of the week by blasting them into their component parts with a big-ass laser (not a literal ass-laser, that’s still trademarked to ASTROBOY). Well, if you were worried that the lack of spaceships that turn into giant, planet protecting robots at the drop of a hat (and the turn of a crank or two) has left Earth dangerously exposed to attacks from Planet Spektra for the past 20 years or so, fear no more, as TITAN MAXIMUM (Wednesdays, Foxtel’s Comedy Channel-9pm) is here, brought to us with a healthy serving of satire; it’s like an epic Manga cartoon, only with more one-liners and fewer demon tentacles flinging themselves in any orifice they come across.

TITAN MAXIMUM is a spoof of the various “Teens forming giant robot that fights evil” cartoons that sprang up with alarming regularity on Saturday mornings in the Eighties. VOLTRON and BATTLE OF THE PLANETS are the primary satire- targets, with several swipes taken at ROBOTRON, TRANSFORMERS and even HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE as well. Far-future Earth has survived the destruction of the Ozone Layer, the melting of the Polar Ice Caps and “the ultimate fair weather friend, the continental United States”. The continued, baffling stability of the near-Earth Solar system is primarily down to the actions of the Titan Force 5, a team of young pilots from disparate backgrounds who can unite their rainbow coloured spacecraft into the titular planet-sized robot that specializes in “punching the f***” out of any evil forces threatening our way of life.Unfortunately, the Titan Maximum is so expensive to run that a single successful mission uses up its entire budget, and the project is shelved. The Titan 5 returns to their civilian lives- and sex, celebrity talk shows, substance abuse and, in the case of Green Titan “Spud”, an embarrassing demise. However, when a former Titan Fiver crosses to the Dark Side and threatens the cosmos with an army of monsters, the team (and the big-ass robot) must reform and survive their various personal problems and massive loathing for each other and save the day once again.

TITAN MAXIMUM comes from the genius mind (and hunky body) of sexy geek Seth Green. Possibly most familiar as the amiable werewolf Oz from BUFFY and the voice of Chris Griffin in FAMILY GUY, Green is also renowned for stealing every film he’s ever cast in and for being the co-creator of the stop-motion sketch comedy ROBOT CHICKEN, which clearly paved the way for the similar stop-motion silliness of TITAN MAXIMUM. As well as creating the series, Green provides the voice of both the president of Mars and the series Big Bad, former Titan 5er turned megalomaniac Gibbs. In addition to Green, the series boasts Green’s best friend, Breckin Meyer (54, RAT RACE, GARFIELD) as the Red Titan, Commander Palmer, whose first name is so secret not even his parents know it. Rachael Leigh-Cook (BATMAN BEYOND) as Yellow Titan, Jodi, who is annoyingly perky and a very good shot- she’s basically a less evil Sarah Palin with more brain cells. Dan Milano plays the ill-fated original Green Titan, Spud (the nickname proved sadly appropriate when he was mashed in a fall) and his replacement, Willie (Palmer’s brother) *and* Leon the chimpanzee, who is not only more trusted by the rest of the team than Willie, but is often mistaken for him and gets to fly in missions. Billy Dee Williams (Lando Calrissian in the original STAR WARS trilogy) plays the aptly-named Admiral Bitchface, who is not a model of calm self-control; (“Not a slut? The woman can find the penis on any life form known to science!”). Kurtwood Smith (THAT 70’s SHOW, ROBOCOP) plays a variety of Martian militia men, and sitcom mainstay Edie McClurgh (she cornered the market on gossipy neighbourhood busybodies in practically every sitcom in the Eighties) plays the villainous Gibbs’ sweet little old (but still villainous) grandmother.

In addition to the threat of hundreds of angry aliens threatening Earth, Mars and “that planetoid near Pluto named after Lucy Lawless”, the Titan 5 and their enormous, gestalt alter-ego must also battle rival robots from other nations, the American government’s tendency to only fund a space-program that has “Trek” in it, rogue meteor showers, barely-evolved thumbs (Leon only), a poly-amorous sex tape of some of the 5ers that threatens to fall into the hands of the Galactic Media, and each week finding enough fuel to power a robot the size of a planet.

Fuse forms with some friends, and watch it!

HOT WEDGES!

LOVE ME, LOVE MY DOLL (Wed Jan 6, Foxtel Crime & Investigation-6:30pm)
Doco on Pediophilia- people who prefer a love-life with life-size dolls (given the similarity of Pediophilia and *Paedophilia*, doll-users prefer to call it “Pygmalionism”, after the legendary sculptor who fell for a statue). Fascinating look at people who form serious, long-term emotional/physical relationships with dolls (most of which are beautiful and female; the few male ones all look like Sylvester Stallone ate a wasp’s nest). Although I don’t get why it’s on the Crime network, unless one of the doll users unwisely tries to put the moves on Chucky the killer doll from the CHILD’S PLAY movies…

HYENA QUEEN (Sun Jan 17, ABC- 7:30pm)
Brilliant natural history program examining one of the most misunderstood mammalian scavengers. Hyenas are cunning, highly efficient predators in their own right, and why they’re not transgender icons I don’t know- the packs are wholly matriarchal, led by an Alpha Bitch, males being solely kept around for breeding purposes. Hyena bitches actually have more testosterone in them than the hyena dogs- and even have functional penises and testes (formed from the clitoris, birth canal and labia, meaning they give birth through them- *everyone* reading this just crossed their legs) Watch this with some fundamentalist Christian pals and watch them keel over in shock whilst you cackle like a hyena!

STALE CHIPS
CELEBRITY MASTERCHEF (Wed Jan 27, Ten-7:30pm)
The same problem that afflicted Ten’s previous star-based reality show (Celebrity Big Brother) pops up again here- lack of celebrities. Betty White, Hugh Jackman, James Earl Jones- these are celebrities. Swimmer Eamon Sullivan is hot (take that, Thorpe!) but he’s not a celebrity. Indira Naidoo is a dyke-icon, but she’s not a celebrity- I’ve never even *heard* of the other people they’re using. Ten is having us believe that they couldn’t get say, Paris Hilton? The woman turns up at the opening of a perianal cyst!

JUICY JACKETS!

SUPERNATURAL (Mon Jan 25, Ten-8:30pm)
The show has featured a new war in Heaven into the series’ myth-arc, leading to last year’s new character, Castiel (Mischa Collins), an Archangel whom, based on the number of times he strokes/swoons over/compliments/eye-humps Dean (Jensen Ackles), is the Patron Saint of Homoerotic slashfiction. The myth-arc reaches its logical conclusion this season as the Winchester’s role in the Holy War Mk II stirs up the attentions of a certain horned, cloven-hoofed gentleman (Mark Pellegrino). Pellegrino joins an elite club of actors (Jeff Goldblum, George Burns, Robert DeNiro, Elizabeth Hurley, Victor Buono, Tim Curry, Jack Nicholson, Sam Neil, Emmanuelle Seigneur) who have played the Devil onscreen, but none of them have been quite as beguiling as Pellegrino’s suave, sexy and (rather disturbingly literal) hot infernal charmer…

SPUDS IN SPACE!
LIFE AFTER PEOPLE: THE SERIES (Sunday Jan 31, Foxtel History Channel- 4:30pm)
The show uses state-of-the-art special effects based on consultation with leading anthropologists, zoologists, architects and the like, and paints a picture of a world which, deprived of the routine maintenance to which we regularly subject them, roads would crack and be colonized by plant life within a matter of weeks; electrical faults would destroy flimsier houses; pets would go wild; insect and rodent populations would soar and so on. Within two or three decades, our cities would be mostly-reclaimed rainforests nourished by the flooded sewer and sewage systems and populated by a new-Triassic age of urban wildlife and zoo-escaped animals that are occasionally startled by the odd skyscraper falling, bridge collapsing, or dam bursting. Pretty eye-opening stuff as to just how insignificant humans are in the day to day scheme of things- and indeed how the planet would actually thrive without our incessant pollutants, garbage and occasional reunion specials of HEY HEY IT’S SATURDAY blighting the ecosystem.

Gavin Pitts