King Of The Castle (A Dirty Rascal)

You know, people have no idea just how stressful and complicated being a writer is. I mean as well as deadlines hanging over your head like a figurative Sword of Damocles (or a literal one, if you’re writing for MEDIEVAL WEAPONS DIGEST), you have to contend with making the world limit (attention budding writers: world limits can be easily met by cramming your column full of nonsensical gibberish and passing it off as High Art. Bippedy-Boppedy Boo); choosing the appropriate Font (fun fact: the reason the paper has a new editor this month is because I accidentally used the typeset from the dread Necronomicon last ish. Whoops!); finding enough things to review and discuss and interest your audience with, and of course, hoping that if any of your characters and plots come to life in the real world, that they want to thank you for giving them such interesting lives, rather than paying you back in spades for writing out that whole ‘sparkling in the sunlight’ thing. If you’d like to find out what the heck it is I’m blabbering about, pull up a comfy chair, select a nice pen and a piece of blank paper, and start dictating right away as we see what we can read into this week’s book club special, CASTLE (Sundays, Seven- 9:30pm).

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CASTLE is basically a comedy/drama take on MURDER SHE WROTE with more realistic murders and less geriatric detectives CASTLE deals with a “ruggedly handsome playboy author” (if he does say so himself), Rick Castle (Nathan Fillion), a New York- based novelist who writes a hugely successful series of murder mystery novels. Though critically savaged, Castle’s novels are a smash hit with the Great Unwashed, outselling Agatha Christie 50 to one.

Unfortunately, Castle’s massive readership takes a bite out of his marvellously pert bum when a particularly vicious serial killer (they make Dexter look like Daxter) decides to base their Modus operandi on Castle’s Magnum opus- the killer models their killing spree after murders that take place in Castle’s books. Initially, Castle is pursued as the killer, but then the cops realize Sharon Stone already beat them to that particular punch line 19 years ago in BASIC INSTINCT (those of you feeling ancient may now uncross your legs). The cops then decide that having a multi-millionaire playboy with a vast knowledge of criminal and crime-solving techniques is probably worth having on your side even if he isn’t secretly Batman, and so ask (i.e. force) Castle to help them try and find Whodunit, getting Castle to use his own books (both published and still floating around inside his head) to anticipate the psychopath’s next move.

Whether CASTLE rises or is besieged by legions of angry viewers is always going to depend on the lickabil… um, LIKEability of its main character, and on paper a woman-chasing, multi-millionaire writer with an ego the size of Jerry Bruckheimer’s Movie Explosions Budget does not sound very nice. Chalk up the success of the series then pretty much solely to the quick wit, easy charm (and, one should mention, very tight pants) of Canadian actor Nathan Fillion, last seen trading blows with Sarah Michelle Gellar as the demonic priest Caleb on BUFFY and trading quips, bullets, ballads and homoerotic subtext with Neil Patrick-Harris in DOCTOR HORRIBLE’S SING-A-LONG BLOG. Fillion has a rare mix of lovable charm and rapier-quick wit that leads him to pretty much steal anything he’s in and CASTLE is no exception. Adding to Fillion’s general appeal is the fact that Fillion is a] Sex on Legs b] flirts with anything that moves, male or female (BUFFY creator Joss Whedon reckons Fillion’s “A little bit gay”) and c] routinely wears clothing so tight , Cher would reject them as slutty.

Joining Fillion on this tongue-in-cheek romp through what may become his Auto-Die-ography is Stana Katic as Detective Kate Beckett- the New York cop assigned to go undercover with Castle, and whom Castle immediately sets out attempting to get undercovers with; Twenty-something show veteran (CSI, COLD CASE, WITHOUT A TRACE, BONES) Seamus Dever as Detective Kevin Ryan, who despite not being written as gay, seems to want to… liaise with Castle in some scenes; Molly Quinn as Alexis Castle, Richard’s teenage daughter, who has a keen interest in forensics, often prompting both her dad and the cops to unofficially involve her in cases (three guesses whom the killer’s going to kidnap in five minutes) and gay actor Arye Gross (BIG EDEN) as a gruff coroner with a big heart… that he keeps in a jar on his desk.

Fiction becoming reality, mystery, murder, and a crime-solving writer who looks much better in nothing but a towel than Angela Lansbury- bookmark this show!

WICKED WEDGES!
DRAWN TOGETHER: GAY BASH (Sat Jan 15, SBS2- 1:45am)
Even in repeat, this hilariously vulgar animated reality show (think SUPERFRIENDS meets BIG BROTHER) is both appallingly offensive and gut-bustlingly funny. FAMILY GUY, compared to DRAWN TOGETHER, is about as controversial as BAMBI. Tonight’s episode, “Gay-Bash”, sees Xandir, a video game elf/ flamingly-obvious-to-everyone-but-himself queen (in a real life movie he would undoubtedly be played by Zac Efron) slowly coming to terms with his Homosexuality, with the “help” of his fellow housemates, the Genie from Aladdin, a transgendered Pac-Man/Ms. Pac Man, “Out” cartoons Snagglepuss and Elmer Fudd, and God.( Foxxy Love: “Homosexuality isn’t something you can just wish away, it’s something you born with, like red hair or a dead twin.”)

WHITE COLLAR (Wed Jan 19, Ten-9:30pm)
Excellent comedy/drama series about an ex-conman foiling heists for the cops whilst still managing to get a grift in here and there, elevated by both clever, witty writing and stunningly beautiful (and out gay man!) lead actor Matthew Bomer.

WARNIE (Thurs Jan 20, Nine-8:30pm)
What insane network programmer green lit cricketer/professional bogan Shane Warne getting his own chat show?! Don’t expect any particularly in depth questions (or Liz Hurley to be a guest on the show any time soon!)

STALE CHIPS!
BONES (Sun Jan 23, Seven-8:30pm)
Fairly naff forensic police drama that, like so many of its ilk, is a Copycat Killer of CSI but fails to find the subtle nuances that make the parent program so awesome. BONES rivals CROSSING JORDAN for the most forensic errors per episode (current favourite- mealworm grubs (which eat flour products) used to de-flesh a carcass did not, ostensibly, belong to the gingerbread man). Can’t really stay mad at the show though, because for every forensic f*ck up, they throw in a scene of David Boreanaz (Angel on BUFFY) wearing nothing but his boxers.

JUICY JACKETS!
SURVIVOR: NICARAGUA (Tues Jan 25, Nine- 9:30pm)
The 21st season of perennial reality TV show in which two teams of Americans are dropped in an unfamiliar setting (i.e. anywhere outside America) and compete to out scheme their rival team, each other, local wildlife and fatal cases of dysentery in order to win US $1 million, of which I suspect most will go towards Psychiatrist bills and Tropical Medicine parasite removal treatments. The audience, meanwhile, gets to perve at the team-mates who are before long reduced to wearing nothing but a palm frond and place side bets on which team member will snap and resort to cannibalism first. SURVIVOR: NICARAGUA lacks the traditional out GLBT castaway, let alone an out gay winner (after Richard (Season 1) and Todd (Season 15)), but does contain several sexually suspect castaways.

SPUDS IN SPACE!
STARGATE: ATLANTIS (Thurs Jan 28, 7Mate- 8:30pm)
Brilliant sci-fi series about parallel worlds accessed by mysterious ancient portals which inevitably attract the attention of hostile alien races when we humans use them. ATLANTIS is just one of a whole bunch of spin-offs from the original STARGATE SG-1, itself a spinoff from the ’90s movie. Finally a sci-fi franchise that doesn’t have the word “Trek” in the title! Interestingly, the STARGATE series are very popular with women (83% of the viewing audience) – possibly due to the series generally lacking bloody violence and also due to the slash (homoerotic) potential of many of the male characters – in ATLANTIS, that would be Sheppard (Joe Flannigan) and McKay (David Hewlett) – if the rest of the cast channelled all the longing looks, unnecessary touches and loaded dialogue between those two, they could power the Atlantean city for a decade!

Gavin Pitts

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