ARIES
Life is amazing. You’re amazing. Oh my god… this month you’ll do something amazing and it’ll be so amazing that it’ll be sure to redefine the edges of the amazing as being even more amazing than ever before. You’ll need to have a nice lie down mid-month. Make sure you don’t lay down with a dog though. Not unless that’s your partner. In which case you might already have fleas. Which is… amazing.
TAURUS
The world is a truly beautiful place. It’s all the more beautiful with you in it. Wait – no. The world is only beautiful because you’re in it. Without you, the world isn’t beautiful. It’s all rather dull and Sainsbury. In fact, it’s more like the world is the plastic bag stuck in the slipstream of the Universe’s gutter whenever you aren’t in it. But if you are popping down to Sainsbury’s, pick me up a Mars Bar would you love?
CANCER
Even you are having a wonderful month this month. Delightful things will happen to you, making the world all that more mesmerising and enchanting to be in. Delighted as such, the delights will alight whatever delightful journey they are on then snuggle at your door. Beware of administrators. These aren’t nice people to be around this month and they are likely to bring you down, down, down. Don’t let them, because then you’ll miss all the delights.
GEMINI
In a world where zombie versus unicorns is the ruling question, one fact remains: you never liked high school. It’s the place where life became a sess pit of human emotions, stupid clique distinctions and all ruled by bureaucrats who were out of touch with both the real world and your own. Unfortunately, life returns to that high school phase this month. It’s all sink or swim, in the most hideous way. But don’t worry, you won’t be on the outer: instead your attention will be focussed on those who presume they are in charge, but are failing to lead by example.
LEO
Like a kid with a sick note for a whole week… but who isn’t really feeling all that sick… you’ll get some much needed time to yourself this month, away from all the boo-has at school, work or the dole office. It’s like you’re taking a holiday without taking a holiday, although some of you are taking a holiday in which case it’s like you’re taking a holiday because you’re on holiday. Funny that. Lap it all up. All of it. Every last drop. I said every last drop!! Good kitty.
VIRGO
Remember all those people who didn’t like you? Well guess what?! Now they’re coming round, and actually starting to like you. Or is it because you’re liking you? Which came first, the liking you or the liking liking you? Either way you look at it, people are liking you, and that’s a good thing, right? Well, let’s hope so, because it’s not about to let up anytime soon. Be warned though, while they might start liking you, they might not like everyone around you, but the same goes for you. And it’s not a bad thing. Just make sure you don’t invite them home for dinner with the folks.
LIBRA
Your principal concern this month is how to be more likable. I mean, people already like you, so how to get more. May I suggest a t-shirt with a ‘like’ button on it, and a slogan underneath saying ‘touch me’. That way you can keep a tally of how many people like you and potentially cop a hell of a lot of feels along the way. And we all wish we were a little bit touched, right?
SCORPIO
It’s that time of the month again. You’ve become a bleeding mess. You’re falling apart in great big clots. However, there’s something slightly fragrant about you this month and people will be drawn to your pheromones. Even small dogs will tug at your ankles and try to dry hump you in public. If only it was done in private right?! Don’t worry, it’ll subside in time.
SAGITTARIUS
Wow. You are so amazing. Ooooooh. Yes you are. Sorry, I need a lie down. Feeling light headed.
CAPRICORN
When out on an awkward date recently the other person complimented my jacket, to which I responded ‘Does it offend you?’ That question should be your stock standard response this month. Especially when dealing with family. Take everything they say with a grain of salt. That way they’ll understand how truly awkward they can make you feel. Except when it comes to your brother. Take the opposite into account and actually be a bit more tentative. And if you don’t have a brother? Pretend.
AQUARIUS
Summer. Ugh. Don’t you just hate it.
PISCES
There’s magic all around and you are at the epicentre of it. Make things happen. Dream large. Spread those fins. Become the big fish in the little pond that you know you can become. Glug glug glug.
Beau de Vine
