ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)
Relationship status says ‘no’. Sucks to be you. Maybe that’s because you should work to make yourself a bit more… I don’t know, dateable?
TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)
When going out on that first, second or third date with a potential new love interest, my advice is to order milkshakes at some point. There’s just something so wonderfully young and carefree about milkshakes. Forget your hips and shit, go for the calories and indulge. Not just yourself, but most importantly, them! And, when they are sucking on that straw, you’ll be able to gauge exactly how good they are in bed by how vigorously they suck and use those lips.
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUN 20)
Relationship status so ‘it’s going three ways at the moment’. Seems polygamy is the new black. Greedy much? Nom nom nom.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JUL 22)
Nobody loves you. Sorry!
LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)
Relationship status says ‘it’s complicated’. But that’s only because, deep down, you’re difficult. But that’s not your fault, really. I mean, you’re amazing, and dynamic, and so diverse, so why not be difficult. The world needs more difficult people after all and you, dear, have it in spades. I’m just glad I’m not your lover, because, well, I like being difficult too. Not that I’m a Leo. Ugh, the horror. As if I would sully this sparkling reputation by being something as difficult as a Leo. Not that there’s anything wrong with you. Much…
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEP 22)
When relationships get tough, you get fabulous shoes. And hey, we know how much fun shopping is. But don’t precede the toughness by actually going shopping first. After all, a huge credit card bill – the majority spent on shoes – is sure to get you in the dog house. So wait for it to get tough THEN go shopping. And hey, if you want to get some new shoes and it’s all peachy, just turn the bitch on. Worst case scenario, blame me.
LIBRA (SEP 23 – OCT 22)
You can’t blame me for being fabulous. It’s not my fault. These two sentences should be the motto by which you live and love and leave and loathe. Be fabulous. This month, more so than ever.
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
Relationship status says ‘single’. Can you blame them? Who’d want to be with you? I mean, seriously… there’s not enough glue in the world for them to sniff. It’s written in the stars, sweetheart, it’s written in the stars. See, just over there, near Alpha Centauri, it says ‘You’re a dog hole .…’.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 21)
The world is your oyster this month. That means you are the pearl. Take the time to travel and take in cultural delights and architectural bukkake. Swallow whole art galleries. Let the warmth of the spring sun splash across your… Spend your time with a group of mates. Get a facial. Enjoy the innuendo of it all.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22 – JAN 19)
You are the proverbial bucket of the zodiac this month. What makes this month different from every other bucket month you may ask? Nothing, really. Just you seem better at it and a tad bit more popular. It’s nice being popular. I’m popular… but for all the right reasons. You? Bucket popular. There seems to be a hole in it, dear Liza.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
Hear that? It’s the sound of loneliness. Hello, my only friend… did you bring dancing shoes? Because I wanna go dancing and kick up my heels and be wild and gay and outrageous and pretty and wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Oh, wait… no, sorry: you’re not invited, Aquarius. Hear that? Loneliness.
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
Relationship status says ‘go fish’.
Beau de Vine
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