Deck the halls with boughs of holly, falalalala, ’tis the season to be jolly, falalalala, now we don our gay apparel…. hang on, what apparel is that exactly? The choices about how to prepare your home for the imminent stampede of relatives and their kin over the silly season can take stress levels to new proportions. Do you leave your homoerotic posters in pride of place or do you appease grandma and tone it down? OutinPerth has had a series of hilarious responses to the dos and don’ts of Christmas decorations…. That’s a very interesting bauble on the tree, dear!
‘Anything that resembles art, taste, culture and niceness has GOT to go. I call it the pre-party UNtidy. The cleaner you are, the more suspicious they become. Ruffle up your Manchester and mismatch your pillows because if you come across to be as fabulous as you clearly are, that’s when they start asking questions.’
Young&Fabulous, 22
‘I am glad to admit that my family is a loving, caring and understanding unit. I sometimes wonder however that sometimes they are more okay with my sexuality than what I am. Each year over the past three, I have been fortunate enough to be in a relationship over the silly season however this year I don’t think that this is going to be the case! To compensate, my sister has previously tried to set me up with her hairdresser’s brother (to which I objected IMMEDIATELY) and now coming to the conclusion that her match-making skills are pitiful (though appreciated), she has endeavored to fill my stocking full of paid love… Their ability to embarrass me over the holidays for being sad and single amazes me!’
Lonely Heart, 22
‘Sometimes I wish my very accepting and open mother would de-gay HER home! My partner and I gave her copies of some tasteful but very artistic nude photographs we had professionally taken, only to turn up on Christmas Day to find them in pride of place on the bookshelf being scrutinised by distant cousins and grandma!’
Camera Shy, 31
‘Christmas comes every year and every year comes our annual lesbian clean up. This usually involves but is not limited to:
1. Putting the sex toys AWAY and in a more inconspicuous hiding place other than my top drawer in the bathroom so my family don’t get a nasty surprise looking for soap or the much needed panadol!
2. Emptying, cleaning, double bagging and hiding certain smoking implements out of sight and above all out of cousin Tim’s reach… He’s only 4, he’s too young for his first toke.
3. All porn form the toilet and lounge room is cleared, although dad and my older brother might love my picture magazine collection, Mum does NOT!
4. Back up Present stories. We always get the “soooo, what did Tammy get you?” and needless to say I don’t think Gran wants to know I got that 16″ Double ender I had been wanting all year!’
Santa’s Little Helper, 22
‘Many years ago my flatmate and I used to have a blow-up doll dressed in a g-string and dark sunglasses who permanently lived on the couch in the corner of our living room. One day my mother payed a surprise visit so I had to think quick and tried to squeeze ‘Betty’ into the TV cabinet while she was coming up the stairs. Great plan… until Betty’s leg popped out while we were having coffee! I blamed my flatmate and my mother never spoke to him again.’
Guilty Conscience, 45
‘De-gayifying your house? It’s the season of festivities, a perfect excuse to gayify your house. When else can you have your halls decked with sparkly tinsel and twinkling lights and get away with it? Ever heard of Camp as Christmas?!’
Camp As, 22
‘One story comes to mind when a friend of mine purchased the latest state-of-the-art urethane dildo and strap-on, apart from the enormous size and ‘unique shape’ it was also dishwasher safe! Dutifully after a ‘big night’ she placed it in the dishwasher. Later that night she had a family dinner with grandparents, parents, aunties, uncles, et al. Running late, she was too busy to empty the dishwasher and was rushing around the kitchen cooking when the grandmother offers to empty the dishwasher. The next thing she heard was a loud scream, as the rest of the family rallied around to see what it the fuss was about she suddenly remembered what was in the dishwasher! Possibly one of the most embarrassing moments of her life, as the entire family are ultra conservative, it didn’t go down well – not like gran, she nearly fainted!’
Back to Basics, 43
‘I don’t believe in doing the de-gay. I think if you have to de-gay then you aren’t being honest to yourself. De-gay? Go away. Can’t be honest with your family? Get a new one. Your family can’t cope with your lifestyle? Oh well. But then it does raise the question – why would you need to de-gay in the first place? I mean, surely you’re just living a functional life. If it screams gay, gay, gay then I’d be concerned why you need to actualize your sexuality so much. Just be a person. Don’t be a label. Epitomising gayness is just sad and so last century. Therefore, if you’re just real, you wouldn’t need to de-gay anyway. Simple.’
Happiness, 32
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