My boyfriend is really affectionate in private, but switches off when we leave the bedroom. If he refers to me as ‘his friend’ one more time, I’m going to scream. Should I just let it go? Will he come around eventually?
Out and Proud
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Dear Out and Proud,
Does this man call you his boyfriend in private but not in public? Or is it that he sees you both as ‘friends with benefits’ whilst you want more? If your boyfriend is in the early stages of accepting his sexuality then he may only be beginning a process of self-acceptance and may need time to be ready for an official relationship. We all find our way as best we can. However, if you’ve agreed to being a friend with benefits but secretly want more, you need to tell him this explicitly. He can’t know otherwise. Also, sometimes people won’t commit to being boyfriends or girlfriend’ because, even if they love the other person, they try to protect them by not creating expectations they know they can’t meet. This can end up causing pain they do not intend. Alternatively, he may just want a f*ck buddy. Regardless, it sounds like you are hurting and feeling devalued. A big risk is that over time you will be so hurt by his actions that it will erode your relationship anyway, leading to the potential of both of you losing whatever good there is in what you have with one another. It sounds as though you already know what you want and what you are willing to put up with. It may come down to telling him that you need him to offer AND publicly acknowledge a relationship with you, or at least commit to taking steps towards working through this issue. If he is embarking on coming out, this may involve him doing this with ‘safe’ friends and family first, so that he has more confidence in taking the next steps. This may also involve personal and/or couple’s counselling – it is important to have good support systems when coming out, and it sounds as though you may both need support in dealing with some of the potential damage that may have already occurred in your relationship. Remember though, ultimately, you need to be honest with him and with yourself about what you need from a relationship and be true to that.
Good luck…OTC.
You can send letters regarding relationship issues to our qualified clinical psychologist at On the Couch via onthecouch@www.outinperth.com or to PO Box 372 Bayswater 6933. All letters will remain confidential.
*This column is not intended to be an alternative to therapy. If you feel you need to pursue therapy in person, you can contact our staff at OutinPerth who will be able to put you in touch with our writer, who in turn can offer a range of alternatives for professional assistance.
