Dear OTC,
I did something I really shouldn’t have. I had one too many drinks and wound up going home with the partner of a good friend. I feel horrible, but I don’t want to ruin their relationship by admitting to the bad deed. Is it better to keep it quiet or put it all out in the open?
Sincerely,
Depressed and Guilty
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Dear Depressed and Guilty,
Oh no! What a nightmare for all concerned. I’d imagine there are a lot of people out there who know the feeling of waking up with a feeling of increasing dread as consciousness looms, knowing things have been done which cannot be undone.
It is a terrible feeling. It sounds like you need to figure out what can now be the best possible outcome for you all. If this is a case of in vino veritas (in wine the truth) and your drunken evening has only disinhibited you both to play out a true attraction to one another, then things are even more difficult than your letter suggests, as the issue is forever there between you both, whether one of you tells or not.
However, from your letter you seem truly remorseful for your actions. If your friend’s partner feels the same way and the situation is not one either of you could ever conceive of repeating, it may be that confessing will serve no useful purpose other than to alleviate your feelings of guilt, in which case, is it worth your friend going through pain in order for you to feel better? Do you know if your friend’s partner is planning to tell your friend what has happened?
If so, your friend may forgive all or may walk away from one or both of you. If you don’t tell (or even if you tell and are forgiven), you will be stuck having to work through your feelings about the incident; this being the unavoidable outcome of your actions, however unintended and regrettable they may be to you.
A further risk in not telling is that the situation will come out eventually and your friend will be even more hurt by hearing the truth from someone else (and by being deceived in the mean time). I cannot tell you which way to go on this one as the decision must be yours; whatever you decide, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Good luck.
Sincerely,
OTC
