By A Louer
Just what exactly do real estate agents have against animals?
Reluctant to join the queer baby-boom that seems to be gripping the nation, I am of the old-school persuasion who keeps pets and treat them as my children. But try renting property with your four-legged babies in tow- it’s a minefield of discrimination.
As I scan the to let notices and ‘sorry, no pets’ screams back at me at every turn, I wonder if real estate agents would ever be so bold as to include a disclaimer reading ‘sorry, no kids’.
Not that I have anything against children of a two-legged, hairless variety, but let’s face it, they can be just as destructive to property as a small cat or dog.
Because that is the standard excuse real estate agents trot out to back up their animal discrimination- they will cause damage to the property. (Even though my cats have never opened a can of olive-green paint and spilt it all over the cream carpet, drawn on walls with felt markers or pulled the doors off a walk-in robe in a fit of temper!)
So, if you are both the proud parent of a furry child-replacement and renting your home, you may want to try one (or all) of the following tactics to tackle animal discrimination:
1. Honesty:
First off, try being upfront about the fact that you have animals that will be living with you on the premises…
-It may sound a little wanky but there is such a thing as a ‘pet resume’ and it worked wonders for me in the eastern states. Include a list of your pet’s vaccinations, puppy training, pedigree (if applicable) and the most adorable photo you can muster. If possible, include a reference from your previous landlords/estate agents detailing how well behaved and trouble-free your pets have been while residing on their property. This will demonstrate to the agent that you are serious, if not a bit eccentric, about pet ownership.
-Offer to pay a ‘pet bond’. Also something I picked up from the eastern states, a pet bond works in a similar way to the security deposit you are asked to pay when you move into a rental property – meaning if any damage is done by your animals during your residence, they can withhold the amount. However, if your darling pet is as well behaved as you say it is, this should not be a problem.
2. Trickery:
If honesty fails, you could always try the sneaky ‘kick the cat out and hide the litter box when the agent visits’ trick…
-One of the major hurdles to this tactic is nosy neighbours and sunny windowsills. Cats particularly love to sit in sunny spots, usually in full view of Mrs Busybody next door who is all too willing to call your landlord and expose you as ‘harbouring an animal’. This is where those hideously ugly but strikingly realistic (especially from a distance) stuffed cats come in. They can be bought quite cheaply from Asian importers or discount stores, come in a range of colours and positions and some even have small motors inside that make them look like they are breathing! When the real estate agent comes to investigate your illegal animal you can proudly display your realistic ornament and share a chuckle about your delightful neighbour’s ‘overactive imagination’.
-But maybe your fur-child of choice happens to be a dog…a lovely, well behaved, no-dig, no-flea, no scratch, chew or bite piece of dogmanity who will unfortunately however chat, loudly, to the dog over the way, the ambulances down the road, the rain, the sky, Monday mornings…all at a volume clearly audible to aforesaid neighbour next door. Just as well you’re a dog owner then isn’t it?…you have no pride. You’re not ashamed to pick up after your dog at the park – you can do anything.
Which is handy, because this time it’s you imitating your pet. That’s right – get outside and woof, yap and howl for all your worth. Make it clear to all that it is you, and not, heavens no, a dog in your rental. There may be a small saving grace here. After watching you in your yard for a while, Mrs Next Door may choose not to call your Property Manager after all. As you are, clearly, Barking.
– A final hurdle for those with moggies and doggies is their tendency to bring small pets of their own. Take your offensive weapon of choice – collars, soaps, vet supplied insecticide, pesticide bombs, herbal washes, crystals or some really good meditation and apply with gay abandon. Be aware though, that fleas will lay eggs in carpet. If you leave… and rental inspection takes place a few days afterwards…and the fleas are hungry….
Well let’s face it. Maybe you feel that way about your property manager. But it will blow your cover and any hope of a good reference…
3. Absurdity:
This one is not for the faint of heart as you run the risk of being seen as the resident ‘weirdo’ for the full term of your lease, but if all else fails it’s worth a try…
-David Thorne is the blogger who famously tried to pay his electricity bill with a drawing of a spider and he has devised a cunning plan to avoid landlords/agents questioning his pet ownership- answer all inquires with a barrage of naive absurdity and eventually they will give up. Thorne changes tack relentlessly throughout the email exchange, from admitting he has eight dogs he is training for dogsled racing, to the rabbits he keeps to feed the dogs with and the ducks in his bathroom that refuse to fly south for the winter. Read the full blog at: www.27bslash6.com/strata.html
With any luck you will find an accommodating rental for all your family. But whatever strategy you try, be prepared. If you’ve snuck in a pet illegally and you get caught, you just might find yourself with no home to call your own… though you are guaranteed a spot in the property agent’s dog house.
Disclaimer: If you would like to try one of our many helpful suggestions please be advised that they are not advisable. Except for Honesty. Try that. You’ll like it.
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