It’s one of the quirks of conservative social politics that the phrase ‘family values’ has been used to oppose rights for GLBTIQ families – specifically those rights surrounding marriage and children.
Sometimes, for the queer community, our families are not the families we’re born into, but whether through choice or biological relationship, our families have always needed incredibly strong family values to survive. In the interests of a reality check, OUTinPerth decided to catch up with some of the amazing and diverse families that make up our community…
“In our house there are Kara, Delia, and our foster child, Toby (not his real name). We also count as family Delia’s 3 grown up children from a previous (heterosexual) relationship. They are 25, 21, and 18. They do not live with us, but visit frequently
“After being ‘childless’ for most of our 6 year relationship, and having only had Toby for about a month, it’s pretty much ALL great at the moment! Working as a ‘team’ at parenting is fantastic, as is doing all the activities, and going all the places, that 6 year olds enjoy. Life has so much more ‘POINT’ to it now…more PURPOSE!” – Delia and Kara
“I was married for 5 years and have one daughter who is now 6 years old. She spends most of her time with her mother, but I am in contact with my daughter and ex-wife daily and have my daughter live with me every other weekend. I am currently single but have had a male partner in the past.
“Being a dad is absolutely amazing and something I am extremely thankful for, especially as it can be a very difficult process for gay men to become dads. Having this little person who I am responsible for raising is a heavy responsibility, but one that has great rewards. My ex-wife and I still get on really well and work as a team with raising our daughter. Decisions are made together, and we back each other up when necessary.” – Geoff
“Jackie and I have been together for seven years. We have 3yo triplets – two boys and one girl. [The great things about having a family] is lots of cuddles and lots of very interesting conversations with 3yos. We are very supportive of each other and always find that no matter how bad a day may be, we can laugh about it. Maybe not that day, but eventually!” – Jodie and Jackie
“The biggest coming out for me was coming out about my mum and my queer family because you have a queer identity which is not about your own sexuality. It was the separation stuff that was hard for me more than my mum coming out at the time though.
“Probably the hardest things about [my own] coming out was my dad’s attitude because obviously he’d been left so that his wife could come out as a lesbian. So, his immediate reaction to me was, ‘oh make sure you don’t go leading people on for fifteen years,’ but he’s fine with it now.” – Danny
“I’ve got Mum, Dad, and there’s three kids. I didn’t know [that my mum was gay] until I came out to my mum myself. When she told me, she was surprised I didn’t know. Nothing changed between me and my mum – if anything we’re closer than we were before. Great thing is that my mum is really supportive of me.” – Chris
FAMILY MEANS?
“Family is anyone close enough to share your life… the good AND the bad! ‘Family’ are the people who are the most special to you, and often the most annoying! Toby says ‘family do special things together’ and ‘you can have however much people you want in your family’. He has also said that ‘This is the first time I lived with two grown ups!'” – Delia and Kara
“Family means love, support and accepting each other for who they are. My parents made a massive life change to dedicate their lives to being fundamental Christians, and family was only accepted if we agreed with their beliefs. I hope that I will accept my daughter no matter what her beliefs are. Family is providing a safe place for children to grow up, learn about themselves and others, to take risks and to be supported throughout all of this. This can be done by anyone who loves and respects children, regardless of their gender.” – Geoff
“Support, respect, unconditional love, a place where you can be yourself and call home.” – Jodie and Jackie
“Support systems. For me, family consisted of my mum, my mum’s partner, my mum’s partner’s best friend who was a gay man, and some of my friends I considered my family. So definitely support systems.” – Danny
THOUGHTS ON WA’S RECENT GAY ADOPTION?
“The two men who have adopted the child have obviously gone through a long and arduous journey in order to adopt. The process of finding suitable parents is enough to drive most people to despair. Then there is the nerve-wracking process of waiting for a birth-mother who wants to let her child be adopted by them. This can take years – normally up to five years. Does this not show dedication to parenthood? It seems strange that society does not question the ‘right’ of heterosexual couples to have children, even though this can be a result of a very brief rendezvous.
“I have yet to hear a logical reason why a same sex couple can’t parent. Unfortunately we live in a world where children are bullied. We need to look at the causes of bullying and not the symptom. That is to say, a bully will find anything to torment a child about; too tall, skinny, fat, glasses, the wrong clothes. I was teased because my dad was a Christian minister. Do we say that ministers cannot have children? Of course not. We look at the issues behind bullying and deal with those.
“Children do need exposure to positive male and female role models in life. This does not have to come from the parents. Children will find these role models themselves as they make choices throughout their formative years. Children need love and support and not just from parents, but from a large support network. The Native American Indian belief that a community raises a child is true. As far as I am aware, no one has ever commented on the gender of a community.
“I am a teacher who has spent a great deal of my time helping students who have parents who do not cater for their socio-emotional needs. I have yet to find a case where the gender of the parent has been the issue.
“Let’s leave parenting to those who are willing to make the sacrifice to provide the love and support all children deserve regardless of gender.” – Geoff
“I think the general public are not as disapproving or unsupportive as the media would have us believe. In the past three years since our children were born, we’ve received no homophobic comments and we’ve certainly been approached many times by strangers because of the spectacle of triplets.
“I hope these two men can find a way to ignore the negative media and know that there are many people who are supportive and respectful of their family. Good luck to them and all the other same sex couples who are trying to create a family.” – Jodie and Jackie
