ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19) – Ah, love, it’s a marvelous thing. Especially when it shines your way. This month sees a big positive bridge of energy build itself between your ball busting ruling planet, Mars, and the softer, more wily and romantic love boat that is Venus. Yes, Ram-face, love is coming your way! Either rekindle passions or watch out for that special someone. Check yourself though – loose lips sink ships and rams can’t swim, especially with all that wool.
TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20) – It’s getting hot in here, so take of all your clothes – I am so hot, I wanna take my clothes off! Shame you don’t wear clothes, Bull-head. It should be fur shouldn’t it. Yes, get ready for a close shave of romantic proportions as Mars and Venus snuggle it up, get a little naked and spill some celestial love juice on you. What makes it better is that mid-month you move into Pisces, which means Uranus moves into play. There’s nothing like a good butt, especially when it endows you with irresistible attraction and x-ray vision – or the power to see right through people.
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 20) – Sunshine is on your side… you attract happiness… flowers blossom in your presence… the universe is as it should be and is in your favour… and my meds have just kicked in. Nothing like a little Prozac to distract from the banality of life, and the cosmos is dishing you up a nice serve of la, la, la! to make it all seem better. No surprise then that April will be a month of fuzzy vagueness as your ruling planet moves into Pisces. The scripts have just been upped, so watch out for doomsayers and nayslayers because all you need is love, for both of you.
CANCER (JUNE 21 – JULY 22) – Oi, Crab-stick, poke that little head out! It’s time to start…planning! Yes, like some perverted Arnold Schwarzenegger movie you’re in a battle for your future. That means you need to reassess your life goals, watch out for stray shrapnel, consider some travel, some education, and remember – Dynamo’s suit is electric, so douse him in water. Yes, freedom is a broad horizon, so expand it with knowledge or distant shores. The more unusual choice the better, trust me. Mars enters crustacean-ville at the end of the month so expect an energy surge. Yes, it’s time to star in your own sideways motion picture epic – The Running Crab!
LEO (JULY 23 – AUG 22) – Family first, Kitty cat. Keep communication channels tuned to pleasant with them, because you’ll need them for comfort, solace and sanctuary this month. To add to the bliss heading your way this month, all things ease with your lover, making it easier for you to iron out recent tensions. Recharge with a trip, one filled with something physical, something to drain away the stress and strain that’s been building up. Hmmm, a dirty weekend away perhaps – someone wants to be a bad kitty cat don’t they?
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEPT 22) – Step outside the comfort zone, Virgin. Prepare to think outside the box. Yes, open up. Why? Because the more daring people you meet this month, the more outrageous they seem, the far-out and freakier they be…well, the more likely it is you’ll find the more outrageous you, who’ll be up for considering previously unthinkable challenges. Mercury makes an entrance mid month, resulting in forthright speech. Just try not to offend anyone… even though your mere existence already does. Oh, sorry, did I say that out loud? Blame Mercury!
LIBRA (SEPT 23 – OCT 22) – Love is in the air, everywhere you look around. Love is in the air, every sight and every sound. And I don’t know if I’m being foolish, don’t know if I’m being wise, but there’s something that’s got me heaving, and I think I just puked on my thighs. Yes, get love-sick this April as Venus and Mars twiddle bits in your sign. Oh, and purge the urge to spend, spend, spend – even though you have the charm to talk your way out of any sticky financial situations which may arise. If all else fails, blame eBay.
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21) – Scorpio, dear Scorpio, few people like scorpions. Fewer people like you, especially when your temper flares this month. Explosive confrontations will see you losing your cool and your popularity – both seemingly in an instant. Avoid the irreversible – breathe before you blast! On the brighter side, the planets conspire against the rest of us, making you admirable and charming to your nearest and dearest. Darn it… there goes a whole contingent of your anti-support Facebook group!
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 20) – Do you ever hit a point in writing the horoscopes and you get really distracted and your mind wanders and you start thinking about the weekend and what you’re gonna wear out and whether everyone else will revel in how delightfully hideous your new top is? Well, I’ve hit that point! Sorry, huh, wha’? Oh, Sagittarius, my apologies: just this month really isn’t that exciting for you. Yeah, I know, it happens to the best of us. Perhaps you should go out and buy something delightfully hideous to wear. At least you’ll know you’ve made your friends smile.
CAPRICORN (DEC 21 – JAN 19) – Ah, sea-goat, we meet again. This month I advise you to strive for a perfect home. Tackle all things DIY, relentlessly. Hammer, grout, rewire and install just about everything you can. Yes, make your home your haven. In fact, you should get so nesty that you ring out and order-in just about everything – your meals, your hardware goods, your work. That way you won’t need to leave your crypt – and we won’t have our days sullied with having to look upon your wet little sea-goat face. Thanks!
AQAURIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18) – Goddess on the mountain top, burning like a silver flame, the summit of beauty and love, and Venus was her name. Yes, the planet of beauty and love is sidling through your sign, making eyes at Neptune, flirting outrageously and endowing you with otherworldly beauty. A strange luminous glow never hurt anyone – expect radioactive freaks! No wonder you’re sitting around, having second thoughts about your life goals – your Geiger count is off the chart in a Godzilla eats Japan kinda way. Shhh, chill giant lizard mutant freak – Mercury and Uranus join forces to provide you with creative solutions to this situation.
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 22) – Fishy, fishy, fishy fish. You are a most elusive fishy fishy fishy fish! Ah, little wonder, you’re back on your feet again after a recent bout of fin-flop. A mash of planets in your sign this month make you a head case of imaginings. Mercury! Venus! Uranus! Oh my! All this charm makes you irresistible…like a lightly smoked salmon delicately piqued in a lemon pepper sauce. Add Mars to the mix at the end of April and you’re gonna be jumping upstream something ferocious like!
Beau Vine
