ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19) – Go, ram, bleat or baa or do whatever it is that brings your little Rammy heart joy. May is all about spontaneity. There will be matters surrounding your wallet plus matters surrounding your spirit and that which makes it sing – or some similarly joyous barnyard sound. Let your extrovert out (like it needs an invitation!). Be aware of drama drama drama all around. Back up those horns, dear Ramsey, and go easy on work colleagues. Baaaaaaaaa!
TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20) – Do Bulls wear power suits? Or power rings through their noses? Either way, get ready to don them as you get hot to trot. Turn on the charm. Go on, ask for what you want. You’re sitting pretty, Bull-face, so let it come, come, come into your paddock. A romance rolls into bed. Creative juices surge and froth. Jobs knock on your door… which is kinda freaky, jobs having hands and all. Put your best hoof forward and may the force be with moo!
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 20) – Two heads are better than one – they also look mighty odd. But hey, odd is your specialty. Everything’s on hold until the 22nd. After that date? Whoa nelly, watch out! Just be aware of starting new endeavours on the 25th, but heed fabulous thoughts around the 29th. Yes, it’s all gearing up for some super stellar star activity – so let your two little feet hit the street for a spot of walking to quell those swimming heads of yours.
CANCER (JUNE 21 – JULY 22) – Dear little Crab-stick, Mars is heading out of your sign, and with it goes all the fiery assertion and drive that’s flamed up around you. With its departure though go all the pressures weighing on your little Crabby shell. May now gives way to dreaming about the future and getting friendly with your social circle. Yes, spin, whiz, snigger with glee, watch the rain la la la on the window, sidewinder. Beware, however, of spending disputes at the end of month.
LEO (JULY 23 – AUG 22) – What’s new pussy cat? Well, it seems all the stellar attention you can poke a paw at, that’s what. Yes, primp that mane because everyone’s eyes are on you little pretty kitty. Be that darn loveable cuddly leader of the pack and go for the throat – yes, mark your territory. You’re in the mood for savage success, so go my pretty, fly, kill. Wait… no… that’s The Wizard Of Oz, and unfortunately, I ain’t Dorothy and you certainly AREN’T The Cowardly Lion. No, not this month.
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEPT 22) – Well aren’t you just prim and proper, bland and boring, blurgh and yawning. Awww, I’m sorry V, but the holier-than-thou does wear a little thin. That’s why I think it’s marvelous that this month, this May, you – dear little Virgin – come under scrutiny. Take the high road: especially in matters pertaining to gossip. Let your work speak for itself: especially when the boss reevaluates you. Find some love, yeah, that’s it – romantic stars abound. Ugh, why does tolerance have to be so fashionable lately?!
LIBRA ( SEPT 23 – OCT 22) – Yo, scales, you’ve got four minutes. You heard me: four minutes to reinvent yourself. What’s it gonna be this time? Kabbalah? Been there! Yoga? Over! Parkour? Maybe. Hmmm, fortunately, you have a whole month to ponder this predicament because May is your Reinvention World Tour month. So, make like a 50 year old aging pop star and act 21… again… and again… and again. Oh, and deal with your debt. Hmmm, maybe you could try chanting. Or krumping. Shhh, darling, I’m krumping as we speak!!!
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21) – Hissssssss. Hissssssss. Hissssssss. Oh, sorry… just someone mentioned Scorpio and well… I was having an allergic reaction. Then I started laughing uncontrollably when the stars, they did divine, that Scorpio should try sharing this month. Sharing? No, not turn-back-time-shoop-shoop-song Cher-ing. Actual human sharing. Key word there: human. Something you largely ain’t Scorpio. But hey, try, and with it will come intimacy (another human quality) and partnership (the best human quality of all). Oh, and love is potent around the 1st, the 12th and the 18th. And haughtiness – sooooo last season! Lose the attitude. Especially at work!!! Hissssssss.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 20) – This month is all about periods for you. Yes, whether you have one, are one or just like them, periods gush around you, spill up and over your ears, whet your thighs, make you want to soil your knickers. What? Oh, ugh, no… not those kind of periods you sick puppy. Periods as in ‘an interval of time’. The first third of the month is the practical period. The middle one deals with the brain: the intellectual period. And towards the end of the month, clearly: the negotiation period, best for dealings and smoothing them over. Gosh, with so many periods this month people could mistake you for Libra: the tampons, not the star sign.
CAPRICORN (DEC 21 – JAN 19) – Dear Capricorn, I’ve decided to bury the hatchet. Yes, I no longer dislike you… not as much as I dislike Scorpio (hissssssss). So, I’m happy to tell you that my love is a reflection of the love that surrounds you for the first three weeks of May. Yes, winter may be coming, but your heart is warm. Sexuality is strong. Make sure lines of communication are open. Go out and be cultural. Learn some new skills. Hand me a bucket. Bluuuuuurgh. Sorry, allergic reaction to all the nicety. Yes, Capricorn, I have decided to bury the hatchet – in your back!
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18) – Wouldn’t it be horrible if I sat here telling you that – oh my – something awful was going to happen to you this month, but then, in my infinite wisdom, decided that I wasn’t going to tell you what it was… for your own good. Honest. Well, you should be so lucky Aquarius. May is super boring for you. Oh, besides heated words between you and your partner. Are they coming on too strong? Dear oh dear. Mind you, not nearly as mortifying as the horrible disgusting thing I am going to tell you next, something so vile that you’ll keel over in abject fear. And this devastating news is that…!
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20) – Time to paddle the social circuit… again! Yes, run those errands, do that social swing, write that letter, be the activity, grow some legs and join the evolutionary race. Oh, wait… sorry, you can’t, not this month: you’re far too busy! Key points? Tell that someone exactly how you feel (like you need an invitation to do that!), expect some good news, buy some nice new knickers for an intimate encounter (gee, is your butt meant to look that big?) and get ready for the enthusiasm to come swimming back. Ah, May, darling, how you bud like pond scum on the lake.
