ARIES (MAR 22 – APR 19)
Wow Aries, you are full of bull. How long do you expect to keep pulling the wool over some people’s eyes? That long huh? Well, be aware that your antics are starting to wear thin. Gee, you could even possibly be exposed this month. Yes, possibly even in a George Michael kinda way. And while you’re all out getting caught out, expect to get caught up in a conflict of time, probably between friends and lover(s). Yes, the plot is thickening… just like you if you think you can get away with it for much longer. Tut tut… shame on ewe.
TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)
Natalie Portman is right: the one way to make it through the global financial crisis is with puppies (don’t believe me – google ‘Natalie Portman’ and ‘puppies’ to see the ridiculous video). You don’t have puppies? Not even the barking lapping kind? Well if you don’t have a pair of puppies of your own then perhaps it’s time to get a pair. I mean… you can’t just get one. It’d get lonely. I’m getting a puppy. Puppies are all the rage. I’d love a pair of puppies but I worry about my back and carrying them all day. Yes – puppies. You should get some. Would you like the number of the local pound? How about of a great plastic surgeon?
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 20)
Ah Gemini – you’re a workaholic ain’t you? Just because you think you’re the super twin, and thus can tackle twice the workload of mere single celled organisms (think Scorpio), you continue to charge ahead and work, work, work. Well, it’s all good – except on the home front. Be wary of compromising those you live with, even though work continues to shine. A partnership steps up, but a relationship has the potential to become more intimate. Perhaps you should spilt yourself equally between your head and your heart? Hmmm, perhaps.
CANCER (JUNE 21 – JULY 22)
Someone loves you very much. They love you like a puppy. Yes, they wanna lick and lap all over face, chew your shoes and dig in the backyard of your heart. They wanna whimper for your love, wet the newspaper you’ve laid out for them and generally look cute and play fetch. But you’re a little torn – well, not torn… distracted. There’s lots of work still to be done ain’t there? Well, thank god then that you have someone to run to for sanctuary. And if you don’t? If you’re hopelessly single? Buy a puppy.
LEO (JULY 21 – AUG 22)
Allergic to dogs? So you should be! You are a big cat after all. Still, you find something irresistible about puppies, so much so you wish you weren’t allergic to them. Well, don’t worry – this is the month to get your home in order. Yes, plant that garden, sort those shoes, deal with a little bit of the debt and get some early nights. Why? Well, it may not be the right time to get a puppy, but there’s always next month. Anti-histamines – add them to the shopping list too! Just in case.
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEPT 22)
Ah, still wanting everything your way Virgo? No surprise there – or nothing new rather. Should I keep going? I mean, you can’t seem to teach an old dog new tricks and… well, you’re one old dog ain’t you! Is it too much to ask that the next time you bury bone you actually bury yourself too? You are looking a little thin. Very thin. It comes as a great surprise then that this month you can turn on the charm. Can a bag of bones smile? Appears so. Who’s a good dog? You are!
LIBRA (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
You’re adorable, Libra. You’re like a miniature pinscher. All tough and lean yet super small and super cute and all compact and stuff. So why not make your finances reflect your new stature and bring them back in a bit. Yes, curb that spending but don’t worry – it’s the perfect time to ask for a raise, figure out some new form of income and generally play downright lovable. Try the puppy dog eyes for size. They work! Trust me – how do you think I’ve gotten so far!?!
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
Gee, more and more you look like a drowned puppy. Yes, it may be sizzling hot outside but at least you’re still wet behind the ears. Wait… you’re always wet behind the ears. But don’t worry – it’s the perfect month to stay home (trust me – stay home – for all our sakes!). After all, you need to get those books in order and you have to wait for those job opportunities that are gonna come ringing. So please, for the sake of everyone, stay home this November. After all, we’ve just shampooed the carpets and don’t want you piddling everywhere.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 20)
Everything seems to get a look in this month. Everything from your career to your family. Yes, it’s a conglomeration of all things life as your house – and heart – opens up to becoming party central. Expect a sense of jubilation to grow around you. But don’t start throwing on your favourite party frocks right now. Gather your resources. Indulge in the attention that’s starting to shift your way. Make sure you look glamourous behind the scenes. And then make your big debut…but that ain’t until December.
CAPRICORN (DEC 21 – JAN 19)
Did you know that last month was the longest month in the known history of time? True! It was! But it wasn’t from the fact that ‘they’ decided to fluff it up with a few extra days, or just extend an hour here, add a minute there. No, the reason it dragged was because we had to endure your company! Yes, you’re a drag – and not in a cute Lady Bunny or freakishly endearing Bowery kinda way. More like Angelina Holy Shit or Gillette – yes, that kind of a drag… the kind people don’t want at parties. Poor you!
AQUARIUS (JAN 2 – FEB 18)
You’ve been hanging out with Capricorn. You’re the Dannii to their (really bad impersonation of) Kylie. Yeah… if they are a drag, then you are their heels that have been kicked and wobbled beneath them. Oh… I’m sorry, I’m sure you’re actually a very lovely person – but just try and convince us stars of that. I mean… seriously. You’re like Whitney’s Bobby Brown or something. Quick, someone get Aquarius a singing career! Their singing career has fallen apart! Oh my God, Aquarius is really Whitney Houston’s Bobby Brown!?! Someone help – they’re cracking up! Both of them.
Ah… wow. Oooh, really? You don’t say? Hmmmm. Well, yes, I had heard that. Oh, gosh, no – I didn’t know that at all. I had thought maybe, perhaps, that yes, that could’ve been the case, but I’d never really thought that it could’ve been true. Serious? Wow. Well, I never! Oh my word, that’s really outrageous. What? Oh my. My my my. My my my my my my my my. Really? Wel… sorry, hang on a moment. What do you want Pisces?! I’m busy! Go away!
Beau de Vine
