The OUTinPerth peanut gallery’s highly (un)reliable report on what was (Un-)Australian in this month’s sporting news.
AFL
As we all know, few things are as ‘Aussie, Aussie, Aussie – Oi, Oi, Oi’ as footy. After all, going to a footy match is about screaming obscenities, drinking full-strength beer and hoeing into pies, burgers and chips. Now, that’s as Australian as budgie smugglers on a summer’s day. Unfortunately, in our great footy state of WA, this month has seen quite a few un-West Australian actions.
The Fremantle Dockers – Do we even need to say it? C’mon Freo! What are you doing?! You’ve got to fall over the line at least once this month, or we may as well ship the lot of you off to Queensland to take up rugby, or failing that New Zealand to play with the rest of the people who aren’t much good at sport.
The Eagles losing streak – Okay, so perhaps, two games can’t be called a losing streak… but still, to let Essendon eek out a 1 point victory and then fall to St. Kilda? Can we run a ladder check on that? #3 receives an old school style paddling from #12. Next month, we better see a smiling big yellow bird and a group of fit young lads cuddling one another and singing because that’s Australian.
Tennis
So, what, or rather, who is un-Australian in Tennis? Well, Russian Maria Sharapova, much to the chagrin of the women-loving-women on OiP’s staff. If we had our way, Sharapova would be declared Australian. Then, we could all consummate, er, commemorate her citizenship with some jugs and a pole dancing contest. Now, that’s Australian.
Wayne Arthur may have Australian citizenship, but his latest hints at postponing retirement is decidedly un-Australian. The boy has a work-induced hip injury, and any good Aussie knows that means early retirement and worker’s comp. Forget, the top 100, Wayne-O – you’ve got a lot of good weekends behind the barbie to look forward to. While you’re at it share the thought with more-comeback-than-a-boomerang little Johnnie Farnham.
Rowing
A sport like rowing has always been an interesting mix of Aussie and not-so-Aussie. It’s a sport of long, even strokes – Aussie as. And of small cox – which every gayboy knows, or hopes, is not so Aussie. This month our nation’s women ditched the small cox and took things into their own hands. Stroking furiously, the four women pulled hard on their shafts and finished well ahead of the rest of the crews. Goodonya ladies – and not a one jumped out of the boat.
Rugby
While the peanut gallery believes rugby as a whole is un-Australian (leave it those little bits of land somewhere east of Tassie, we say), we have to give props to the Wallabies took the All Blacks from behind… Australia topping New Zealand. That’s so Australian, we don’t even have to say it.
Swimming
We, Aussies love our water. However, one unfortunately Australian trademark is a constant shortage of it. But have no fear, Superbloke Thorpedo looks to save the day. The Aussie icon will host a two-hour documentary Fish Out of Water to raise awareness for the environment and save Australia’s water levels. We can only hope that stopping the water shortage will get some better performances out of our nation’s swimmers who have not stood out like dog’s balls, so much as stunk like dog’s…
